Question's I would ask Dave if I could somehow communicate with him.

Where is your wedding ring?
Do you want me to re-marry or not?
If so, will you help me find a good man?
Have you been through the repentance process and have you been forgiven?
Is our temple sealed marriage still intact?
Do you still want me to be with you forever?
What was the purpose of the car accident last April and did you orchestrate it?
Do you come and check up on me every night between 2:00 and 3:00 am?
Do you still love me?
Do you remember my secret pass word?
Is there any important messages you can tell me or warn me about?

These are just some of my thoughts and feelings about what I believe the spirit world is like.
I always assumed that all knowledge was just automatically downloaded into our brain when we die or that we just ask for all knowledge and it's there.  Not at all, we have to want to seek it out and learn at our own pace, line upon line, precept upon precept. Sometimes people get side tracked and become complacent or happy were they are, not knowing there's anything better.
If you don't know about or get stuck in your search or run out of ideas to get to truth, someone else has to share it with you.
There aren't jobs assigned there only volunteers. Missionary work is not a job it's voluntary.
The ratio of good LDS people in the spirit world to non-LDS spirits is enormous.
Dave wasn't told to share the gospel with these people or told what to do with these people or why he was with these people.  His mind assumed exactly what he would have assumed if he were here in the mortal world. Just that all suicides go over there. He became one of theme. Didn't occur to him that he had some truth to share with them.
I also get the sense that there are several places there in the spirit world according to the level of truth they learn.  There's the place for those who don't know about the gospel and are just waiting, but don't know they're waiting for someone to come tell them. They can do pretty cool tricks to keep them amused or they can learn if they want to. Pretty much they do what they wanted to do here, with the same knowledge they had here.  Here on earth if you want to go to school, you go and learn what's available, same thing there. Sometimes they can figure out on their own the Gospel, then they advance slowly. So much easier if someone else share's it with them, just not enough to go around. Just like it is here.
Then there's the I guess you'd call it the main hub of the spirit world.  Ya I like that description, the hub. Where those who are more advanced in knowledge or who have the fullness of the gospel ie. temple endowed go and oversee the others. Not a higher up the ladder feeling, because when you go higher up a ladder you leave behind others. No this was a different feeling, like those in the main hub were working to help those still in the "wheel".
I believe that I am still sealed to David and that we are still one.  I believe that when Dave was taken to the "wheel" he thought he deserved to stay there. Someone from the "hub" noticed this and knew they couldn't tell Dave what to do, so they allowed me to come and do what I do best, tell Dave what to do (pretty tricky idea). But David wasn't wasting time there he learned some good information while in the wheel so it was all good.
I also believe that life there is pretty much like here.  New ideas are discovered, new technology, new advancements all the time. They advance like we do here.  Except their technology is geared toward eternal goals not money.
I've been thinking about this "cable" system Dave was hooking up to our home.  I got the sense that it was a new or greatly improved communication system. One way or two way, I don't know.  Definitely from here to there. Then I get thinking about temples and how prayers are a direct conduit to heavenly Father from there. Our homes are sometimes referred to as temples. So why not a direct conduit from our home as long as we don't "sever or cause interference" to the link by polluting our home with stuff that grieves the spirit.
Anyway just some thoughts to help my brain accept that the spirit world is real by comparing it to this mortal life. 

Another hug

On Sept. 9th at about 3:00am which is the usuall time Dave likes to make his appearances.  Between 2:00 - 4:00 am. I was half asleep on my side, when I heard quick footsteps toward my bed.  Usually I'd jump and look, but this time I thought don't move and keep your eyes closed.  I knew it was Dave, then he laid down next to me and wrapped his arms around me.  I love that feeling.  That warmth and electrical feeling.  I didn't dare move, I wanted it to last forever.  He started to fade and I cried and begged him to stay.  So he did.  I told him I loved him and stroked his hairy arms.  While he was holding me he was talking to someone else.  He told them to ask John, he would know.  I asked Dave what he was doing and is John to go-to-guy?  He laughed and said he was helping install a cable system to our house and John knew how everything worked.  I asked Dave what kind of cable system it was and Dave's eyes lit up and said "you wouldn't believe the technology we have here" then he went to explain it to me but I couldn't understand him.  But I got the sense that it was only to certain homes and that it was like a direct link to him, so he could respond quicker to help us.  Of course it wasn't to replace praying.  So then I asked him if there was anything else really important that I should know about.  He then told me that in 4 years (again with the 4) and he held up 4 fingers, on June 24th something very big was going to happen and to also watch out for the 4th week in April.  I asked him if he would help us and he said "that's why I went home".  I asked what was going to happen and he couldn't tell me. Then I started to wake up more and I lost contact with him.  I got up and wrote down the experience.  Now I don't know if the 4th week in April was in 4 more years or sooner.  I actually heard his footsteps and felt his arms around me.  I also noticed that when my hand was touching his arm, it wasn't my physical hand.  It was very real, but not.  Always that doubt when dealing with the spirit world.  But I'm learning more and more how to communicate with Dave and probably he is learning more how to communicate with me.  The next day I felt so euphoric and peacefull.  But today that feeling has faded away.

First wedding anniversary alone

My first wedding anniversary without my sweet hubby.  It was a sad day.  I moped around feeling very sorry for myself most of the day.  I went to work and took Ramona to the gym then to the senior citizen center for their monthly dinner.  There was no parking at all.  I was about to turn around and just go back, but I felt like I needed to be there.  So I parked a little ways off and walked her there.  Luckily they have a table just for wheelchair people. The dinner was good and the old folks were fun to watch. Then for the entertainment a man sang a bunch of old romantic songs, including the song I'd sing to Dave all the time "Have I Told You Lately That I Love You" and "You were always on my mind" and "If Tomorrow Never Comes".  That last song had me just a bawling. I felt like Dave wanted me to hear all these silly love songs.  My sweet girls baught me a flower boquet and a balloon. That evening I went to our grave site and left the balloon there.   

Joy in the Journey

Well, I had another interesting dream the other night.  Dave wasn't in this dream.  I was with a group of random people and we were part of a game of sorts.  We started at the entrance to a huge building and we were just told there you go and the doors opened.  Now in my mind I assumed it was a contest and we had to find our way to the finish line of the building.  We weren't given any rules or instructions and we didn't know what to expect around the corner, could be monsters, nobody knew, so we decided to stay together.  There were many doors, rooms and hidden rooms.  We explored a bit and the rooms were full of really fun and interesting things and one by one members of the group would find a room that they loved and had to stay and play.  Again in my mind I'm thinking "dummies don't they know they're getting side tracked from the main goal"? So I kept going looking for the end prize.  Yes, I'd come across very interesting rooms that I couldn't resist and had to stop and explore, but I'd soon remember that I was getting side-tracked and continue on my journey.  The building was endless with rooms and the goal seamed allusive.  The group I had been with had all found their happy rooms and I found myself alone. I came across a library that had books on everything that I had always wondered about.  Of course I stayed and read through many books.  Other people had discovered this library also and were coming and going.  But I then remembered I needed to get back on track and quit playing around.  But I had no idea which way to go. So I stopped someone and asked if they could suggest a way to go.  They said "you might want to try room 23 upstairs".  So I found my way to that room and opened the door.  The room was clear full of every kind of toy building sets imaginable and there in the middle of it was Greg and a little boy about 7 years old following Greg around that looked very much like Greg and was just a chattering away and asking Greg all kinds of questions.  The two happily played with the various legos, kinex, erector sets etc.  I was about to interrupt them and tell them to "get back on track".  But they were very happy and content where they were, so I stepped back out and closed the door.  I then started to realize the real purpose of this building.  Then woke up.  When I was awake I realized that it wasn't a contest at all, nor was there a finish line.  The purpose of the "game" was not to win.  The point of the building was to learn, experience and most important to play and have joy.  I forget in this life that Heavenly Father wants us to enjoy our experiences here.  Yes we are here to gain a body, learn and experience and be tested, but we forget that we need to seek our "happy places" and have joy in the journey.  So many songs and stories tell us that this life is painful and miserable, it's a a "frail existence" and we go through this "veil of tears", we have to "endure to the end" and tell us of better things to come in the next life.  Maybe we should embrace every experience now, feel all the emotions, be more trusting of our Heavenly Father when we go through the hardest things imaginable.  It's very difficult to trust Heavenly Father when the rug gets ripped out from under you.  Very hard to be happy when your best friend leaves you. So I'll keep searching for my happy place and when I find it again, I'll stay for a while and play.         

The Car Wreck.
     The girls and I were on our way to UVU to meet with Jessica's school counselor to get her classes picked out for Summer semester.  I was driving our Ford Focus going north on Woodland Hills Drive.  When all of a sudden a pick-up truck ran a stop sign and was there in front of me.  I had no time to react.  I think I may have slammed on the break.  We hit the side of the truck hard.  It's a 40 mph street.  It caved in our front like an accordian and spun us around.  We were wearing our seat belts and the air bags deployed.  We lived.  Bumps and bruises, lots of bruises and very sore.  The other truck rolled completely over.  We all got out of the car fast and we were all screaming hysterically.  I looked over at the other truck and saw an arm plopping to the side, I thought I had killed them and I started to scream and cry.  Why oh why did this happen?  Why wasn't I warned to go another route?  We all were taken to the emergency.  Several ward members were there already.  My visiting teacher, my RS president.  And Jessica and Dayna had elders quarem members there to give us all blessings.  It was awesome, the support we had.  The kids in the other truck were not wearing seat belts but they were ok and released before we were.  The days afterward were horrible.  We were all so sore, we couldn't move.  The pain was unbearable.  Just from a split second jolt.  I got whip lash, Dayna got both arms spranged and Jess got her tail bone wrenched.  I can't believe we all got out of that without major problems.  It was a miracle.  I later learned that the girl in the passenger side of the truck got up in testimony meeting and said that was her wake up call to get her life straightened out and start going to church again and be good.  I hope she follows through. 
I got the money for my car and baught a sweet 2009 Mallibu with it.  However getting the money for the medical expenses and pain and suffering is still in the works.  I had just finished dealing with all the insurance companies from David's hospital bills and funeral expenses.  The stress is unbelievable. But I'm getting things done and I'm on top of it.  My dad told me after the accident, "Heavenly Father is obviously trying to teach you something and your just not getting it and stuff like this will continue to happen unless you learn what lesson it is you're suppose to learn".  Ok thanks dad.  Well I have no idea what I'm suppose to learn here, so I guess I'm in for more punishment. 

Dealing's with Dave

I had a couple of interesting things happen last night.  All my "dealings" with David have all been at night when I'm half awake half asleep.  First as I was asleep, I smelled a strong cologne smell, like when Dave would just get out of the shower and spray on his cologne.  He had many varieties.  It was so strong that I woke up, however of course when I woke up it was gone.  But I was comforted by the thought that he had learned a "new trick" and was showing it to me.  Then I dreamed that someone was knocking softly on my bedroom door.  I kept trying to say come in thinking it was Dayna, because she gets sick tummies a lot and comes and knocks on my door.  But I was half asleep and couldn't talk.  Then it happened again.  I woke up a bit and listened, but it didn't happen again.  so I went back to sleep it happened one more time, and I woke up even more and said come in, but no one was there.  Silly new tricks he's learning, to try to communicate with me and let me know he's still around.  I love it! I especially like the cologne trick.  I just have to wonder what new trick he'll come up with next.  Moving stuff around maybe?  Who knows.  I'll keep you posted. 
You know something interesting.  My whole life as far back as I can remember, I would get terrified at night and think I see, hear and smell things when I was half asleep and it was very frightening.  Even when Dave was next to me, I'd get very frightened at night.  But now, I haven't been afraid at night since Dave's death.  Yes I still experience things that go bump in the night, but they no longer scare me.  Because now I can just say it was Dave and feel safe.  I also know he watches over me at night and keeps the bad scary things away.
Oh I forgot to tell you about another thing that happend one night about a month ago.  I was on my side and I felt a strand of hair being pulled, then I felt someone laying next to me.  I woke up and it was gone.  I said out loud, "Dave was that you".  Of course it was Dave, who else would it be? 
So anyway, that's what's been going on at night.  I don't mind at all, it's fun. 

I had a very interesting dream last week.  Keep in mind this was just a dream.  However it was a vivid dream and I remember all the details.  I don't usually remember my dreams.  This one answered many questions I had concerning David's status.  I dreamed that David came to visit me again.  I asked him if he was ok and how he felt.  He was sad and said he can remember everything in perfect detail of his whole life here. I asked him what he was up to.  He stared to fade away and I grabbed his face and said oh no you don't I want to know what you do in the spirit world.  Next thing I was there with him in a room of sorts.  Not so much a room, but a confined place.  The surroundings kept changing.  There were quite a few people there all visiting with each other and having a good time.  Dave showed me a few tricks he had learned from this group.  Such as changing his appearance, old, young, thin, fat and clothing.  They could also change their surrounds and things.  It was very cool.  Dave was friends with all these people and it looked like he fit right in.  Which is interesting because he was very much like that in this life.  Always fit right in with the group.  So I went around the "room" and started talking to some of the people there. In the middle of this dream up popped an entertainer that I remember a long time ago that was popular in the 70's he was a ventriliquist with a puppet call Madam and he was going around entertaining these people with his act. I met one woman who said that we had actually met when we were little, she then changed her appearance to a child.  I don't remember what she looked like or ever meeting her.  The room changed to the place we had met.  I asked her how she died and she showed me.  She had committed suicide.  I didn't want to see it and looked away.  I thought hmmm, this is strange.  So I went over to another man and asked him how he died and he said suicide.  I then asked the whole group, "did you all commit suicide" and they all said yes.  I then asked how long they had been in this "place" and they all said since they died.  I then asked why they were here and they said this is were they sent us. I asked Dave why he was there and he said it was were they sent him because of what he did, to be stuck there with others like him. But he hadn't been there very long.  I got the sense that he had learned all he could before he was sent there.  I started thinking this was very strange.  I asked the group if they knew they could use the atonement and move up and onward.  They looked puzzled and said no what more is there?  I asked if they knew about Heavenly Father and Jesus?  They said yes.  I asked if they knew about the atonement and they said they knew the basics.  I then asked do you know about the Gospel of Jesus Christ and about the plan of salvation?  Now here's where it gets interesting.  They said no.  I asked if they wanted to know about it.  They all said yes.  I then looked over at Dave and said "well Dave knows all about it he can tell you".  They all looked at Dave as if he had been holding out on them.  Dave then acting very much as I remember him, said I'm not suppose to tell them that, I'll get into trouble or I'm not the one to do that or I can't do that, surely they would send someone else to teach them, or that's not my job and they didn't tell me to teach them.  I then got very stern with Dave, and said so you've just been "playing" and being the nice guy here?  Pitty sakes Dave get over here and teach these people the gospel, you said yourself that you can remember everything you learned in life.  So you know all the missionary discussions.  Then a chalk board appeared I handed him the chalk and said get over here and start with the plan of salvation, then teach them every single discussion.  Then my dream ended and I woke up, it was still nightme so I jotted down the basics so I wouldn't forget.  But I remembered the whole dream the next morning anyway.  Now I was curious about the puppet guy, because I didn't know what had become of him.  I looked him up on the internet and discovered that he had died in the late 90's of complications relating to AIDs.  I didn't know that he had died.  So it was kind of proof or a validation to this dream. 
I learned many interesting facts and insights because of this dream.  I'll write them in the next post.

My profile on Mormon.org

on April 30th my daughters and I were in a horrendous car accident.  A pick up truck ran a stop sign and we hit them on their passenger side us going 40 mph.  Our front end was smashed in all the way up to the wheels.  We were all wearing our seatbelts which saved our lives.  The air bags did deploy.  The other truck had 2 teenagers both not wearing seatbelts.  The ended up flipping over upside down.  Nobody was seriously harmed.  No broken bones or cuts.  Just lots of buises and oh boy were we sore for a week.  Dayna spranged both wrists badly and lost her job because of the accident.  I got whiplash and couldn't move my neck for a week.  Jess jolted her tailbone and couldn't sit for very long for a week.  My parents did come down and took care of us for a week, which was so nice because none of us could move then alone cook and do daily chores.  We were the only two vehicles in that area for a mile when the accident happend.  His stop sign even had a flashing red light.  Crazy teenagers!  So now we're doing the fight the insurance company thing again.  CRAZY!  Bills are piling up and the pressure is on for us to settle for pittilens with them.  Can I officially now say I'm picked on?  What the heck?  What was that for?  I've never been in any kind of wreck.  Good grief!  So our poor white focus is all gone.  They did pay us for the car.  Now to buy a new car.  That poor Focus needed to go, it was involved in both of Dave's suicide attempts.  Bad memories.  I honestly thought right before we hit because we were going so fast that we were all going to die and be with David.  Then when we got out of the car screaming and realized we were all ok.  I looked over at the upside down truck and them not moving inside.  I thought I've killed them and I just stood there screaming.  I've been doing a lot of that hysterical screaming lately.  I know I've killed off too many brain cells in the past 6 months.  I feel so week and helpless.  I'm so tired of the extreme trauma.  What is with that?  I just don't get why I've been through so much CRAP in so little time.  Haven't I passed the "test" yet?  I can't help but wonder what is next.  What am I doing wrong that I need these lessons?  Am I being punished for being a lazy bum?  Are these the warm up tests for more extreme trauma?  Are these tests of my faith?  Was I being used to wake up those crazy  teenagers to shape up and be good?  I just don't know and won't know until I die.  I'm sure Dave was there protecting us though.

What am I doing?

I don't know what's going on. I went on a date this past Friday with a man in our ward who is also a widower. His wife died of cancer. He's is a lot older than me. So I'm not really sure it was even a date. A couple of weeks ago at church I noticed him staring at me in Sunday school. But these days a lot of people stare at me at church. Then before sacrament he came and sat by me and talked. Then he called me twice to check up on me. So I just brushed it aside as him feeling a sense of care for me because he knew how I felt. But then he asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him. I said yes. We had a good time. We talked openly about Dave and his wife and how they died and how hard it is coping without them. I felt at ease around him and he was a perfect gentleman. Yes we got weird looks. I told him I hadn't been to the temple since Dave passed away. He told me that I should go because it's been a great source of comfort to him to go. He then asked me if I'd like to go with him sometime. I said yes. Now I understand I am very vulnerable to the rebound thing that happens to everyone after they come out of a relationship. His wife has been gone for a year and a half. So he's on the rebound as well. But I still don't know for sure what his intentions even are. He is a very kind and good man as good as they come. His job pays very well and he's quite wealthy. So what am I doing? Am I thinking selfishness and money, someone to take care of me financially, medically, socially? Is he being a dirty old man chasing after a young woman? My daughters say I'm reading too much into it all and to just have fun for now. I don't know what I'm doing. I just wish Dave would tell me what to do. I was never a good decision maker. I'm afraid to make decisions, because my last big decision resulted in Dave taking his life. Yes I still blame myself, even though logic says otherwise. If I hadn't made that decision 9 years ago Dave would still be here even if for a little while longer, which I'd gladly take. I'd sacrifice anything to have had Dave here a little longer.

Heavenly hug

Last night at about 3:00am I felt the most amazing feeling ever.
I started out yesterday having a pretty good day. But then I ran into another copy of the letter David wrote to our marriage counselor back in the summer 2011. We were dangerously close to separating. At the time Dave wrote this letter, he was not on his medication or any other medication. He was in manic/depressive mode and I did not know he wasn't taking his meds, or I did and wanted him back on them, but he refused. Anyway, in this letter he said hurtful things about my nagging and that he had sacrificed his well being and happiness so I could live in a nice home and that I had forced him into buying our home. He also said that I was overly concerned with my appearance and was acting very conceited in our nice home. I've run across this letter 3 times now since Dave died, all in different places around the home. Every time I read it, I end up sobbing. I told the girls that it hurts so bad every time I read the stupid thing because he actually felt no love for me at the time. That when he was in his full swing of manic/depression, he did not love me. Which hurts so bad, because you can't deny those feelings, they were there even though it was the disease talking. Dayna told me that it was the disease talking, not dad. Jess said "burn it mom" and stop reading it when you run across it. But then I wonder, if while he was taking his life, both times, if at that moment he hated me. Were his last thoughts, hatred of me even though he was in the pits of despair. Did he hate me while he was killing himself? That thought haunts me so bad. So I was feeling very sorry for myself last night and cried a lot. But while I was in that half dream state, I felt Dave wrap his arms around me and enveloped my whole body in this most amazing warmth and love. I turned my lips to his ear and whispered I love you David and he replied back I love you. I told him I missed him terrably and that I beat myself up with guilt. He started to fade away, but I said, no wait it's ok stay with me. I asked him how long I have to wait to be together with him. He said 4 years, then quickly said oops I don't think I was suppose to tell you that. He told me that the girls both need to be on medication. That Jess needs something for ADHD or ADD and he said to look for a drug called something like... Alexan... I asked him if he ate and he said yes but the toast in Heaven isn't all that great. That may have been my silly mind filling in the blanks, I don't know. But I laughed and said really, how can anything be less than perfect in Heaven, he said that he didn't much care for the toast. I said next time try cinnamin toast with lots of butter and sugar. I also asked him about the computers in Heaven. He said he didn't know about the computers in heaven. I asked well surely there's computers in the genealogy libraries. He said he hadn't had time to check to see the computers yet. That's when I asked what he had been up to there and I couldn't hear him.
It was so nice just basking in his arms. But then he started to fade away as I was waking up. I tried not to wake up, I said no don't go. But I woke up. so I got out of bed and got out my note book and wrote it all down so I wouldn't forget what he said. He was very much the same David I remembered before the depression. Cute mannerisms he use to have. Cute sense of humor he use to have. Not a perfect, stoic being I thought we all become when we die. So I'm feeling very euphoric today. I needed that feeling so bad. Of course there's the logical part that say's I emagined the whole thing and was only dreaming. But I've never felt that feeling before like a warm electrical energy buzzing through my whole body. So, I "choose:" to believe it was really David and that he still loves me very much. Because if it was just my wishful thinking and not David, I couldn't bare that thought. I just wish I could still get an actual physical proof that David was there and sending me a message. Like see or hear our secret code word which is "te quiero" or find his lost wedding ring. I do have to admit that for Christmas my son Greg gave me a bracelet which was exactly like that one I asked David I wanted for Christmas. I asked Greg why he got it for me, he said he didn't know, he was walking down the isle at the store and saw it and knew he had to buy it for me. Then after Christmas I got a sudden urge to go through Davids night stand. I pulled out a box and there at the bottom was season 9 of Little House on the Prairie that he had baughten several months ago to give me as a present for the next occasion. So those two things count as reminders that he still cared for me. But again my logical mind needs more proof. Poor Dave, probably just rolls his eyes at me and wonders what more he could possibly do to prove to me that he loves me. Well, I stated it earlier, the words te quiero and to find his lost wedding ring. I have no idea where that ring went. It's been missing for over a year now.

more troubles

Why aren't things working out for me? Day after day more bad news and issues to resolve. First was Dave's health insurance not paying the hospital bill from Dave's first suicide attempt. Then the car insurance company taking their time to deny the claim with the carbon monixide poisioning. So all the hospital bills are all charging huge late fees. I've called and called each company to try to move things along, but I would be pushed aside. Then there's the stupid fraud charge from success institute of $6200 on Dave's discover card that Dave left me to fix. I had a signed agreement from Dave that he would fix that mess he created. But he didn't even try. I've tried fixing it with Success institute and the credit card company, but they wont budge. Why do I have to pay for Dave's mistakes?? Then this past Friday I received a notice that our car insurance was canceled because I was a "new risk" and that Dave was the insured and I was only a driver. No condolences or even an offer to work with me to get it renewed. We had been with that company for over 26 years. I was the one who made sure the premiums were paid on time. However the blow was softened because I was trying to get Dayna on the plan. Our agent when she was processing Dayna got a message from our Car Insurance that we were being canceled. She called me up and told me and thought it was rude of Bear river to do. She said she would find us a cheaper policy and a better one. So I did know about it before the cold letter arrived. 2 days before the cancelation notice Bear river sent me a bill for the last payment I still owed for the year knowing that I was being canceled they sent me a bill anyway? Stupid. I called up Bear river and told them how rude they were and that I was going to another company.

All three of my cars need new tires. Jess' car needs to be inspected, I don't think her car will pass and I don't want to pay to get it inspected. Did I mention our life insurance won't pay the $200000 because Dave's suicide? I did get a job tending a partially paralyzed woman in our ward for $1600 a month. Dave use to make that much a week working at RRDonnally. I don't know how long we can limp along.
A couple of weeks ago I received a notice from Utah state tax commission stating that I owed $150,000 or they would take all our possessions. I freaked out big time. Luckily a few friends said the same thing happened to them with their small businesses and all I had to do was call them and explain what happened. I did and they just had me send in a simple form.

Now I have to notify our home insurance to have the policy changed into my name.
Then I have to send that into our mortgage company so they can change our loan into my name.
I sure hope they don't give me the stupid grief of me being a "new risk". But they probably will.

Dave never did like this home and felt forced into moving here. How much do we really change when we die? Aren't our personalities still intact when we die? All our likes and dislikes? All our hopes and dreams go with us? All our feelings of love and hate? With all these stupid things that I just can't get resolved, I can't help but think Dave stopped loving me and could care less what happens to me and that it's all pay back for the misery I caused him all those years of being married. I just wish I could know for sure he still cares for me and is watching out for me. I know he's watching out for his parents and his brothers, because they've told me they've all either seen him or felt him. I haven't seen him. I've felt him at night here and there checking on me quickly. Or maybe it's all part of the plan to get me to stop loving Dave so I can move on and find someone else. That's so what David would do to me. Pick on me and do stupid things to push me away, so he'd have the excuse that it was me that didn't love him, just another "save face" ploy of Dave's. Not working Dave. Try something else. I still love you. You stinker! When I die. I'm going to give Dave a big hug then kick his but, then hug him again.
I don't know why, I have to go through all this. What did I do that was so bad as to deserve this punishment? I've always been a good girl, obedient, patient, kind. Who am I, that I am being tried so hard? I am nobody. I'm shy, don't have many friends. What happens to me won't make any difference in anyone's life. I am of no consequence. So why this trial??? It makes no sense, any of it. The only thing that I know now is empathy for those who've lost a loved one. But we all will learn that lesson sooner or later in this life. We'll all loose a loved one to death and feel that horrible sting. But why all the financial mess I have to go through? I've always been very frugal and saved our money, staying out of debt. It was Dave who would spend and get into debt, not me. So why do I have to pay for his stupidity? Not fair!

Suicide

Where to even begin. I'll just start typing and hopefully it will come out somewhat coherent. My sweet hubby David died this past Dec. 13th 2011. He killed himself. He has been suffering over the years with severe depression that has been gradually getting worse and worse with each new trauma. He was prescribed medication. But he would stop taking them for who knows why. Then a few weeks later I could tell he wasn't on them and beg him to please get back on the meds. He would get mad and refuse with some logical explanation so I had to pull out the big guns and tell him I can't live with you like this, either you take your meds and stay on them or you move out. The first couple of weeks are the most dangerous when getting back on antidepressants. That's when they are the most vulnerable to suicide. Which was the case when Dave tried the first time to kill himself. I'll blog later with the gory details of both incidences.
I loved my sweet hubby very much, I hated the depression and the manic/depression. I hate what it made him do to me and our family. Being married to man who can't laugh or joke or be happy is hell. I tried very hard to keep him grounded in reality. Because it was slipping away from him quickly those last few months of his life. Life also was handing him blow after blow knocking him down at every turn. No job, no dissability, constant back and leg pain, no sleep, no hope. His older brother started out with depression then went to manic/depression, then full blown schizophrenia. In and out of the psyc ward at the hospital, police being called and carting him away in a straight jacket several times, hearing voices all the time telling him to do bizarre things and being physically violent to anyone who got in his way. Dave was hearing voices, but he knew it was his sickness talking. At first he did actually think that it was God talking to him. Being that we are very religious and we do believe that God communicates with us still, it was so very hard to sort out what was divine help or the sickness talking. We had many arguments about that. He'd say God told him we need to move, I'd say as soon as you get a job we'll move wherever we need to go. He'd insist and I'd tell him he wasn't being logical. He'd say just because I have depression doesn't mean God doesn't talk to me. I'd say well, look at your brother, he thought God was talking to him also and look at all the crap he's done listening to those voices. Dave would get so mad at me. I tried logic on him. I'd say why would God confuse you like that. You don't have the ability to discern between the two because of your sickness and God knows you have this sickness and therefore would not tell you to do anything that drastic without telling me also. Then he'd come back and say I am too attached to the home and that I'm using the depression against him to get what I want. Dave would tell his family that I was being unreasonable and unsupportive of him as the head of the house trying to get them on his side. But they all knew he was sick and so pretty much egnored his complaining and trusted me.

But through all this, I've learned a very important lesson, well several important lessons. But the main thing I learned was that I was not the one who was being unreasonable and unsuportive. I now know that when I feel something is right or wrong, I can completely trust those instincts and I have the right to DO what I know to be correct.
But what a horrible way to learn that lesson.