In August of 2013, I decided to find things I have always loved to do in life and do them again.  I have always loved singing so I joined the single adult choir and I have always loved dancing, so I started going to the single adult dances twice a month and I have been having so much fun. I decided not to go to these activities with the thought "I need to find a man" and to just have fun and not care what everyone thinks.  I discovered the more fun I had at the dances the more men would ask me to dance. 

I know I've been having dreams with David in them, however I can't remember them when I wake up.  Last night I remember feeling so happy and reaching over to his side of the bed knowing he was there.  But I woke up when nothing was there.  I know I was dreaming about him, but I can't remember anything about it, just that I woke up expecting him to be there.

Today while driving Ramona to therapy a bird swooped right in front of the van, so I said OK how about a dragon fly now and sure enough just then a dragon fly swooped by, so I said OK how about a butterfly now, and sure enough just then a butterfly swooped by.  So I said hi Dave I love you too.  Coincidence?  I don't think so.

Dragon fly's are a symbol of our loved ones who have passed on saying hi.  The suicide survivor group's symbol is the dragon fly and there are a lot of dragon fly stories shared.  I always accepted Dave's messenger was a robin or feathers.  So when a robin swoops in front of me now I ask for a dragon fly also, just to make sure.

Ok this blog is going to be a little strange.  I have a guy friend that was accused of child molestation.
He told me his whole back story that led up to the situation.  He was at the lowest emotional point in his life (key point here) and he believes this 14 yr old boy gave him a renewed sense of hope.  His wife at the time was an alcaholic. He started having one on one time with this boy.  This boy's father ran off and has no contact with his kids.  This boy was a nerd and bullied at school.  My friend and this boy would go to sports events and shopping and out to eat.  All with the permission of his wife and the boys mom. This one on one time started out as a nephews friend tagging along to sports events.  Then my friend thought he was being a father figure to this boy.  Soon they were calling each other son and a spanish word for father. All with the thought he was being of service to this boy and all with permission from his wife and this boys mother.  Now an out of town sports event was coming up and my friends nephew and this boy were invited to go with him.  The day before they were to leave the nephew was not able to go.  So my friend had a decision here, cancel or go ahead and go alone with this boy.  He asked his wife and the boys mother and both said it was ok.  So they went on a road trip with 2 nights.  They had a great time nothing happend.  The town gossip found out and started to spread rumors.  The wife called the police and filed a report.  Everyone was questioned, computer was confiscated, but no evidence was found. The wife finally asked for a devorce.  My friend is still in contact with this boy, but they no long have their "activities".  I told my friend, this is why the church has the 2 deep leadership policy and that policy should be enacted outside of the church as well.  I then asked him would he make that same decision if it came up again with the same cercumstances.  He said he would.  Which disturbs me greatly.  You cannot say because you're an old man, married, have permission or a high priest that you are immune to temptations.  My friend cried as he talked about how much he loves this boy like a son and wouldn't be able to continue the relationship.  I told my friend this is how the adversary works, waits for the most vulnerable time in his life when he felt no love from any adult or from God. Then orchestrates these situations.  On this earthlife it is innapropriate for an adult to be alone with a non family child, period.  Does not matter who you are.  Does not matter if intentions are service oriented.  The outcome either way is a win win for the adversary, because if nothing happens, you're destroyed by rumors and are outcasted by everyone, until you give up.  Now my friend told me before all this happend when he was at his lowest point in his life, he felt no love from any adult or from God and he said he quit praying, reading scriptures etc. but kept going to church.  Now, this is a key point to remember because my hubby felt the same way, even tho he had so many that loved him, he could not feel the love and acceptance from anyone.  I suspect my hubby quit praying also.  When you are in this dark hole of dispare you are very vulnerable to the adversaries tricks. I claim this as very unfair. But it's a sad fact while on this earth.  My brain has been spinning these thoughts around and around.  Why do we constantly seek love and acceptance from others as our only way to be happy???? I know we all crave acceptance and when we don't measure up, we fall into this dark hole and become easy prey.  So, what do we do?  What can be said to these people who thrive on the love and acceptance of others to be happy?  As I ponder this thought, I can only come to one conclusion, we have to first love and accept ourselves, we have to be our own best friend.  The most important commandments are

“Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind, this is the first and great commandment.

“And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.  What does the "as thyself" part mean?  Could it mean that if we do not love ourselves first, how can we appropriately love our neighbor? or even God for that matter?  Love God, love thy neighbor and love thyself. These 3 elements are vital to our happiness on this earth, they are intrinsically intwined and one cannot exist without the other 2.  If we hate ourselves, we cannot serve our neighbors with the right attitude and we can't fully love our Heavenly Father. So when we find ourselves caught in this vicious cycle, what to do to get back on track?  It's not our neighbors fault nor God's fault when we don't feel loved.  How do you love yourself?  Do we as parents really teach that to our children?  How to love and accept themselves?  So if you grew up not feeling loved or accepted as a child, how do you break that? or maybe it was the opposite.  You grew up feeling loved then somewhere along the way didn't feel that anymore.  How does one learn how to love themselves?  Because it cannot come from the outside. You can't love yoursef because someone else loves you.  That may work for a little while.  But people are not perfect and will fail you and if your self worth was hitched on their love and acceptance of you, you will fall.  I don't have an answere.  Personally I have written on my bathroom mirror.  I Like Who I Am and Heavenly Father Loves Me.  I read it everyday and I believe it.  In my oppinion the order should be love Heavenly Father, then love thy self then love thy neighbor, which I think is what the as thyself means, but not really noticed, because it's a play on words.  Love others as much as we love ourseves, so we should love ourselves first right?  Now to tell my friend this without making it worse. He needs to know that what he did was wrong and to never do it again.
   

I had a disturbing dream last night.  I dreamed I was walking up to a very plain and small home. It looked more like a little office building.  Square large windows no lawn, but simply landscaped.  I walk right in like I was perfectly welcome.  On the main floor it was open with a small kitchen dining area and living area all one room.  The windows were big and open.  No curtains or blinds.  No decorations or pictures no clutter.  I immediately went downstairs like I knew what I was doing.  In the basement there were no windows very dark and cool.  It was a big living room/office area.  My kids were there, all little.  I got the sense that I was there to pick them up from an over-nighter.  There was a big sectional comfy couch they were all sitting on and watching something on the big TV.  They were all nicely dressed and clean.  The whole house was very clean.  Then there was David sitting quietly reading a book. There was an office area with his computers.  No bed in sight.  Just the big couch and a comfy lounge chair and book shelves with his books.  I got the sense that he didn't have a bed that he just slept on either the lounge chair or the couch fully dressed.  He would take cat naps throughout the 24 hour day and didn't sleep for 8 hours like what is normal.  All very much like he was doing at home before his death.  I looked at Dave sitting there with his stoic face.  I then asked him to come home to me, but he just shook his head.  I then asked if I could move in there with him and he again shook his head.  He was content to live alone in his dark cool basement with his books, computers and music. Not happy or joyous but just content.  He still loved me tho, but didn't want to live with me. He wasn't mean or doing anything wrong, just wanted his peace and quiet without the drama of his naggy wife. In my dream I got the sense that he wanted to divorce so I could get on with my life and not be hampered with his dreary life, but that I refused. and so we lived our separate lives.  This dream made me very sad and depressed.  But that is really the way David wanted to live when he was here, just left alone with his books, music and computers in a very simple stress free environment.

The importance of Earth life

I just wanted to jot down some of my feelings about how important being here on earth was.  I thought I had already posted these thoughts, but I couldn't find them.  Through this experience of Dave's suicide, it has been made clearer to me through my dreams and interactions with Dave's spirit, about how precious this life is.  Growing up in the church I have always believed that we were sent here to gain bodies and to be tested.  But the reality of that knowledge has become clearer to me so that my brain can comprehend it better.  In the spirit world before we came here, we all know that we could not progress anymore.  But why? Everyone knows it was because we needed physical bodies that could feel pain and be tempted, but why can't we just be told?  There is no compulsion in the spirit world, we are not forced to learn or grow. There is no adversity in the spirit world.  We can not be tempted in the spirit world.  The devil had no power to do that in the spirit world.  Evil can not exist in the spirit world.  What happens here on earth without adversity? What happens to us here on earth if there is no compulsion of any kind?  Have you ever thought of that?  The truth is we would become complacent.  Happy with our limited little world.  Happy to become stagnant, because we wouldn't know what else was out there. Even if we did know that there was more but it would require hard work and chances.  Who wants to get out of their warm secure existence and go out into the cold harsh world in order to get there?  Not me. and this is why we need adversity to kick us out of our warm and comfortable beds.  We need to be here on Earth right now. Even if we think we aren't doing anything worth while here, we are still progressing better than we could in the spirit world.  Even if we were vegetables in bed, we would still be progressing better and faster than in the spirit world.
 This world is the most evil of all the worlds.  I think something very different happened in the beginning here on this world that never happened before.  A different decision was made, that caused this world to be unique. Had 1/3 of the hosts of Heaven ever been kicked out before for rebellion? If so were they banished to the same world everyone would be living on before?  I don't believe so. I believe this Earth was the first and only time such a rebellion took place. This Earth was the first and only world that had a savior. That makes this Earth very unique. Did we choose to come to this unique world or were we assigned to this Earth?  Did we have the choice to be born into a milder world?  Were we really the stronger spirits that could possibly handle this harsh world?  or were we the more lazy group that needed a kick in the butt in order to progress?  or both?  Were our trials we would have in this world given to us based on our long time spiritual weaknesses that we just couldn't get resolved in the spirit world? My trials here all seem to have the same theme. My trials seem to center around my over sense of everything having to be fair and my need to always know the why and what-fors. So my trials are not fair and I don't get to know the why's. I need to stop being so angry when things are unfair. This latest trial was the most unfair thing I can think of.  To my husband, me and our kids.  Depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia etc. is the most unfair illness because it takes away that person's ability to choose.  One of the gifts and reasons we are here in the first place.  Free agency. This illness is like that gift being yanked away and saying "no free agency for you".  Why do these illnesses make people do hurtful things?  However my David never harmed me or our kids.  He never yelled at us.  But he was afraid that the illness would eventually make him do something hurtful because of what he saw his older brother go through. I'm dealing with the unfairness of it all.  I'm working on having faith in Heavenly Father and believing that all this was for a good reason and that it will all work out in the end. I hate not knowing the why's and what for's now.  Yep, still working on that faith.  Well at least I know that's my spiritual "issue" and knowing is half the battle.

Feb 14, 2013
Today is Valentines day.  Actually it was a good day.  I woke up in the morning and asked Dave if there was anyway he could send me a message while I was wide awake that he still loved me, if he still did.  I told him I still loved and missed him very much.  The day went on as usual at work.  When I got home it was lonely because both my girls were still at school.  I started to feel sad.  I took a valentine balloon over to Dave's grave.  It was berried under a foot of snow.  I cleared it away and told him again how much I loved him and missed him.  I then went to pick up the girls at the bus stop.  They had boughten  me a balloon and some chocolate.  Such good daughters.  I gave them their little gifts.  They had a RS meeting to go to that evening and I went to my Suicide survivor group meeting.  I hadn't been for a while because of the bad weather.  I like to go and pittty party with everyone.  The lady who can see and hear dead people was there again.  She is very reserved about her abilities and doesn't like to make a big deal of it and doesn't use her gift for any personal gain other than to help others.  So they announced that if anyone wanted to talk to her after the meeting they could.  So of course I went up to her.  She said that Dave kept saying over and over to make sure I knew that he loved me very much and kept telling her this.  She also said that he wants me to find a fun hobby, which was the same thing he said last time.  I told her and she said she forgot what he said last time.  She also told me that Dave comes and visits me in my dreams and lately my subconscious has been playing tricks on me about Dave and not to worry about it or listen to it.  Which is very true, in my dreams when Dave happens to be in them, my mind lately has been twisting the dream to make Dave mean and cruel to me, I wake up and say out loud I know that was just my twisted mind Dave I'm sorry I dreamed that about you.  Also whenever something bad happens to me, in the back of my mind I hear over and over "welcome to my world, now you know how I felt" and then I feel like I deserved that bad thing so I would know how my poor hubby felt. But I know Dave would never say that to me. So I will try not to listen to those doubts and negative thoughts that creep up anymore. 

Mine

For a few months now I have not had any contact with Dave, not even in dreams.

I have been on several online dating sights and I was having a great time flirting and chatting with handsome men from all over the world, wanting to hook up with me.  I was having fun leading them all on to think they were what I wanted as well. So anyway, yes I was leading these poor men along and I was feeling bad about that.  Then that night I was talking to Dave about it and asked him what he thought about the whole thing and about me flirting with men online.  Then Jess comes running and yelling mom mom the basements flooding!  OK got that signal.
Now I need to go back in time a little.  At the suicide survivor group meetings I go to once a month, there is a lady who also attends who claims to be able to see and hear dead people in her mind.  At one of the meetings they had her offer her abilities after the meeting to anyone who wanted to talk to her.  Of course I was curious and waited my turn.  She told me that Dave was a very sad and old soul and was just tired out of life. She told me that he was sorry that I was surrounded by crazy people. She told me that he wanted me to get a hobby. and that he sends messages to me with feathers and birds.  Now the bird thing I had always wondered because I would be walking outside and a bird would often swoop right in front of me and I would say out loud, Dave is that you saying hi?  So now back to the first story.  I told Dave I would cool it on the online chatting thing.  This morning I was outside and a feather gently floated in the breeze right in front of me and landed.  Then as I was walking to work a bird swooped in front of me. So its all  a bit to coincidental not to be Dave answering me. So I'll just leave the whole men thing up to the Lord and to David and just not worry about the man thing.