Putting together in my mind the events that happened on my 48th birthday so that I can understand what exactly happened has been very stressful and confusing. I will try to explain what happened.
The evening of my birthday I was suppose to meet up with Ken at a fireside in Spanish Fork. He didn't show up. I texted him asking if he had changed his mind. He texted back a simple "I have" and that was it. We had not gotten in another fight. The day before I had gone to support him in a 5K race he was running and then went to a health fair afterwards. It went well. I was confused at this text so I called him. A woman answered his cell phone. It was Jayce, the girl he was "mentoring" for the past 3 years who is 26 years old. He had told me because she was psychotic that he wasn't seeing her anymore. I asked who is this and she said who's this? I said this is Karen and she yelled at Ken I thought you said you were done with Karen. Then she said to me I'm so sorry we're just friends we just went out to eat tonight that's all. What? it was my birthday and I didn't get a dinner date. So I told her to give the phone to Ken. She said he doesn't want to talk to you. I said then put it on speaker phone cuz I have something to say. I told Ken we were done. I couldn't believe he was with Jayce. I hung up and drove home crying. Text messages then came flying from both his phone and her phone. It was confusing some sounded like her on his phone and him and her phone. Like they were grabbing phones from each other and texting as fast as they could. I told both of them they could go to hell. He was mad she was mad I was mad. I told Ken he needed to see his bishop for having sex with a 26 year old and he called me a perv for thinking such a thing. Then she calls me from a different phone from the Maverik down the street from Ken. She was hysterical and crying begging me to come get her. I told her I can't. She then told me everything her and Ken had done over the past 3 years since they met. She told me they've had sex many times. They had sex earlier that day. She said they drank and took a bunch of extend pills. She said he keeps a bottle of alcohol in the bottom of his fridge, he views pornography a lot. She told me he got fired from his job at the state mental hospital because he fondled a patients breasts and it was caught on tape. He also had an affair with a co-worker. It all fit with his evasiveness when I asked about these things early on in the relationship. She went on to describe the sex they had that day, what she was wearing where they were. She said she's been staying there since Thursday. She said she wanted to kill herself and that Ken was very abusive to her and how mad he was back at the apartment. So I said don't go back over there and she said she had no way of getting home. I told her to call her parents, she said her parent disowned her. I told her to call a friend. She said she was going back over there. so I called the police to check on things over there and to call me back with what they found. By now my parents came over to help comfort me. They heard me talking on the phone to the police and the call back. This was about 11:00 pm. He said he checked over there and everything was fine and They were in very good spirits. I had been had. Pulled into the drama queen bit. I do believe they have been having sex tho. Even if not, he chose her over me. Which I don't understand. I have a home and a job. She has no job and homeless. Once again I have been rejected by a man I loved dearly. He never said sorry or had any kind of explanation. He never denied any wrong doing. He was very angry at me for calling the police tho I told him it was because JC was suicidal, which he said was another one of her lies. I called Kens sons to check on him and see if JC was still living there. One son checked to see if the police actually went over there because he didn't believe me they even went over there. I told him the number I called and that my parents over heard the police report back to me. I haven't heard back from that son. JC called me and left a phone message which I still have saying she has pictures of them having sex and she wanted to meet with me to show me and then to meet with Ken's bishop to show him. She called me again after I didn't respond telling me the same thing. I told her not my problem and to go to hell. I have never cussed a day in my life until I met Ken. He has made me cuss several times. But only words like damn you and go to hell. I later texted her back asking her to e-mail one to me as proof. She called me a sick-o and said no they're private. Whatever.
I decided to go to Yellowstone with my family even tho I would miss a choir concert I had been practicing for months. The day after the concert Ken sends me an e-mail because I blocked him and JC from my phone, saying he missed me at the concert and the dance and there wasn't a fireside that Sunday. Like nothing happened. Bi-polar 100% his brain has the ability to forget or totally push aside what the bad side of him does.
I haven't heard the last of Ken I'm sure. So what do I do now? Hide from all the things I love doing? Dances, choir, firesides? I haven't seen him for a month now. At first I was in agony and felt so used and dirty and very angry. Now I'm feeling better about it. I still feel cheated out of a year of feeling for the looser. Why did I feel the intense twitterpations with him every time I was with him? I never felt that with any other man I danced with at the dances. Why did I fall so hard in love with Ken? When I was with him, I felt no sadness or sorrow for Dave and it felt so nice to be rid of that pain if even for a little while. Now the sadness and sorrow is back for Dave in full force and anger that I even have to go through this crap.
So the question now is why? Why did this happen to me? I thought I was smart and aware of spiritual promptings. Looking back I was getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was away from Ken, not when I was with him. Weird. I thought maybe I was broken and I could no longer feel those promptings because of the trauma with Dave. So I used that as an excuse. Heavenly Father knew I was in trouble. He knew I was very week and vulnerable and so lonely. How merciful he was to intervene and prove to me Ken was bad news. So many friends and family have told me that they pray for me everyday since Dave's death. My kids all knew from day one that Ken was a looser. What would have happened to me if I didn't have my kids living with me? I shudder to think. But as my silly mind processes over and over the why's of me going through this... I have come to the conclusion that this illness Ken has and what it turned him into, is what Dave feared would happen to him and our family. Dave's older brother Brian has done some very bad things with this same illness.
Right after Dave's death, I had decided that it doesn't matter what it takes to stay here on this earth, here is the most important place to be even if you have to turn to drugs, alcohol or sex to dull that pain of living, do whatever it takes to stay alive. Now I don't feel that way, maybe sometimes it is better to go home than be tortured day and night with mental, physical, emotional and spiritual pain. Knowing you will tear apart your family if you stay. I understand now and how I love my sweet husband even more for choosing to leave. And I understand why Heavenly Father allowed Dave to make that choice and to let him come home.
