The Bi-Polar boyfriend

Well, I made up with my boyfriend and forgave his mean attitude again. Why am I so forgiving of the bi-polar mind??? He told me he didn't mean to hurt me and that he was just asking why we were changing the subject. I then said but you said good night right after the rude statement and he said he doesn't remember saying that. I said I have it right here on my phone. He just shrugged. But I forgave him anyway. He never said he was sorry for being rude, because the bi-polar mind has no accountability. So we went on one date and I went over to his apartment a couple of times for a movie and I invited him over for Mother's day for dinner. I thought things were going great. He was so sweet to me when we made up. But things went right back to how it was, him saying rude things to me and being sassy.
I tried to text him that I was sad one day because the neighbor lady was griping about our aspen tree stumps sending shoots into her yard. I got... yep the silent treatment. I then texted him I needed a hug, because he once told me if I ever needed a hug to tell him and he'd come. What did I get... the silent treatment. He got my texts because he mentioned them later.
Because of his bi-polar illness and the suppressing medications, he is unable to be compassionate he is unable to feel the deep emotions both bad and good. I keep thinking that will change, but the same thing went on with Dave, whenever I had a crises, Dave couldn't give me the compassion I needed either the last couple of years of his life.

Last Monday he asked me what he could do to better in our relationship. I told him I needed to think about it and e-mail a response. Here is my e-mail exactly...

     I am about to bombard you with my thoughts about our relationship both good and a little bad. I'm sorry this is going to be very disjointed and jump around from thought to thought.

I have only known a man woman relationship with a depressed, bio-polar, pre-schizophrenia man. I have no idea what is "normal and what isn't".  People tell me their opinion of what is normal and what I should look for or stay away from in a relationship.

"Dave and I went to many marriage counseling sessions both LDS and non LDS. In the church we're told to forgive and accept and ignore hurtful things our spouses do and to pray for them and for strength to cope and to forget about the bad behavior and work on our own faults. I did all that and the results ended up worse than a divorce. So I don't know what "rules" to follow anymore in a relationship.  I pray for guidance everyday with you and our relationship and I believe Heavenly Father has been helping me and I follow my heart and gut feelings concerning you.

I knew what to do and how to act when I would see the signs of a melt down in David to avoid it or defuse it and I was good at it because I believe it's one of my spiritual gifts. I am very affectionate and like to smother my loved ones with hugs, kisses, touch, gifts and service, I can't and won't change that. It's dumb to even ask me to change that because it's a good quality. It concerns me a lot that you are uncomfortable with my affectionate nature and bothers me when you criticize or tease me for being affectionate. I understand that you are not use to the attention and didn't have that in your marriage, like you've told me. I don't know how Anine was with showing affections with you. Did she push you away when you wanted physical attention?  Did she think sex was disgusting and only for procreation?  I know, you don't like to talk about that. But if that's true that she felt that way about sex, you need to know that is not how all women feel and in my view is very wrong to think that way. Pitty sakes why did I start talking about sex??? Anyway next subject.

I don't like when you say mean things to me. I don't like mean critical teasing. It's not funny to say or do mean things then when it backfires to say just kidding or I don't remember saying that.  Me no likey that.  If it's something that would hurt your feelings if I said it or did it to you, then don't say or do it to me. The scripture "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is very good advice.

I don't like when you blame me for when things don't work out with us and you say things like I didn't think you wanted to or I'm just following your lead. If you feel something is wrong or I hurt your feelings, tell me, talk to me, don't be sassy or pout about it. If you feel happy about our relationship, tell me. If you want more or something different in our relationship, tell me. I will not shoot you down. If you feel like you want to hug or kiss me or hold my hand or put your arm around me when we're sitting together, then do it. Don't worry about weather or not I want you to all the time. Really there's no worry, because I always love such attentions. However if you really don't like all the affection I'm throwing at you, then we need to go our separate ways, because I really do need a man that will accept and give freely in that department. Of course there's moral boundaries that I'll not cross.

It also seems like you go to great lengths to keep me away from Anine, what are you afraid of? (I'm talking about church and ball games)  Now I'm not saying I want a formal meeting set up with her, no, and I don't want to be good buddies with her. I just want you to relax about situations were we might meet. I'm a big girl and can handle whatever happens. Unless you're keeping a big secret from me that you don't want her telling me about? If she starts telling me about all your hang-ups and why you got divorced, it would be a good test to see if I run and we've known each other long enough that such a test is needed.  Let all the garbage out?

I want our relationship to be more open verbally regarding our feelings about anything. I like honesty.

I also feel like you are getting bored of me.  What can I do to be a better girl friend for you?"

I texted him and asked if he got my e-mail. He said he did. Then the silence. I ask if I could call him and talk about it and he said no I've been reprimanded enough. I told him the e-mail was not written as a reprimand and besides he asked what he could do to improve our relationship. Silent treatment. I texted him to write an email with whatever questions he had. So he did and here's his email... the highlighted parts are just my sarcastic thoughts.

You stated that I was uncomfortable with your affection, I've never
 been uncomfortable with your affection. Also I've never teased you
about your affection nor have I criticized you for your your affection
that's not what I do. (not true)  My ex wife should not be mentioned in this email
 at all. (I must have missed that rule)  How she viewed affection and intimacy I've already mentioned
before. I'm fine about talking sex but I don't know why you brought it
up,it must be on your mind. (suggesting that I'm a sick-o?) Next subject saying mean things. The
question should be if I'm saying mean things why are you putting up
with it, for most women that would be a deal breaker "if" mean things
 are being said. (notice he didn't actually say he wasn't being mean, but implied it) I agree it's not funny to say mean things. You are
the first person who has said that to me. (right and your ex wife left you because you were too nice to her)  The scripture "do unto
others as you would have them do unto you" was taught to me by my dear
Mother as a young child and is wonderful advice. I don't recall
blaming you for anything during the time we have been dating. (again not true) Its not
in my nature to blame anyone for anything I Learned that in a previous
 marriage. (what?)  And I have NEVER been a pouter as you mentioned. (so not true, he pouted all day Easter Sunday)  I totally
 accept for affection I always have. Next subject: Going to great
 lengths to keep you away from Anine again mentioning my former spouse. (oh no I broke that rule again, how evil of me)
  If you want to meet her great meet her I'm not afraid of you meeting
her. (such sass and venom here, notice how sore the whole ex wife subject is to him)I can give you her cell number the address where she works which
 is just up the street from where I live. I have not secrets you can
 ask her any question you want. (no secrets, ya right, he tried to keep the whole lovey dovey 25 year old girlfriend a secret from me) You talked about a test being needed
 what test? You said Sunday that you were cautious about showing
 affection kissing etc. cuz I had been sick, you seemed cautious on
 Sunday as well. If you want to kiss my lips you may do so. Kissing
 my cheeks doesn't send the message that I'm supposed to kiss your
 lips.  I'm not into sending "messages". (that's obvious) 
You talked about affection and moral values yes we both have morals definitely. (ya right, and dating a young 25 year old girl  30 years younger than him, holding hands, hugging, kissing and necking, who know what else, show's such high morals, NOT)
 I realize your feelings get hurt easily, (implying that I'm overly sensitive and putting the blame on me for being hurt) your daughter has hurt your feelings your
 neighbor has hurt your feelings I've hurt your feelings. (well at least he admitted that he hurt my feelings here)  Sunday you
 asked me if I wanted you to leave I didn't know how to respond. (because he was totally ignoring me because he was watching the stupid music awards on TV which he watches way to much of)  You
 seem to be intolerant with people or things.  I realize It can be
 confusing trying to have a relationship with a divorcee who is
 bi-polar it can be difficult I know, (here we go with the I'm a poor bi-polar man, I can't help myself routine) it contributed to our divorce no
 doubt about that. I wish the bp would leave but it's here to stay. (in other words, take me as I am or not at all, I'm not even going to try to control it, I am not accountable for any of my bad behaviors because I'm bi-polar)
 And that's my honesty.

I then texted him back thanking him for his honesty and told him I had sent another e-mail in reply. Here is my e-mailed response...

Thank you for being honest with me and replying.

Ok great affection is accepted all around, no problems there.
Ya I don't know why I brought up sex either.
Mean things said, is relative and the person saying it usually doesn't realize they're being mean at all. In the future I will let you know if what you say or do is hurtful right when it happens so it can be cleared up and I would like you to tell me when I say something hurtful to you right away also ok.
Mentioning Anine... I won't do it again, I'm sorry.
This next part I don't understand what you mean, you said "You
seem to be intolerant with people or things." How so? I need to know so I can fix this personality flaw of mine. If you're talking about the news guy with his shirt and tie not matching... I really don't care if people's clothes don't match. I was kidding around.
Yes overall I do need to work on not being judgmental and critical of people, I will work on that.
Ok that wasn't so bad. Anything else? 
I have learned a lot about myself since I've been with you.
I've learned that I jump to conclusions way too fast.
I take things too seriously and need to chill.
I read too much into situations and not just accept things at face value.
I am way too emotionally sensitive and take offense to everything.
I will work on these faults.
I have learned to stop "stewing" over the little things and I've been sleeping much better.

I then get the silent treatment. So I texted him back and asked how he was feeling. Silence. I then asked if he was thinking of breaking up. He texted back yes. So I texted back I understand, I don't regret our time together and I hope you can find a very kind woman who can make you happy.

Here I am again, sad and lonely. Why I keep thinking my boyfriend can miraculously change, I don't know. I just don't understand why the bi-polar illness gets to be blamed for the rudeness and uncaringness only? In the beginning of our relationship he was able to have a handle on not being rude. So now, I need to stay away from him, because for some reason I still care for him, I could never hate him. I do feel very sorry for him and by my nature I am a nurturer and have to always be fixing the hurt. I just wish I could find someone to help me fix my hurt.

Why I broke up with my last boyfriend.

I broke up with my boyfriend easter sunday.  3 weeks earlier he complained that I was running the whole relationship and he wanted to do more so I said please that would be very nice for your to do more. The next Friday the rude side of him took me out to dinner. On the way there I asked him if he'd like to come over for Sunday dinner. He said would you be offended if I said no. I said no. But then asked why. I had to beg it out of him. He finally said because I make your girls sick. I said what in the world gave you that idea. He said because they leave right after dinner. Then he said really sassily. So are these Sunday dinners going to be an every week thing now. I was confused by his reaction, so I didn't say anything. I later told him his comments made me sad. He just acted like I was over reacting. I asked him if I was smothering him and he said no comment. Then the same date we were talking about marriage in a round about way. He was very rude the whole night. But he did end up coming to dinner. The next day we went to Saturday general conference and had a wonderful time. Then went back to his apartment and watched the afternoon session. I had to beg him to come over for dinner for Sunday conference. He got really sick afterwards. The next Friday he went to his daughters ball game and didn't invite me. So I asked him if I was being friend zoned. He didn't know what that meant so I told him and he said he'd have to think about it before he answered me. So I called him up and asked him if we were just friends now and he said I don't want to make you cry. So I said we need to talk about this. I went over there after choir practice and I told him marriage was being shelved and the ball was now in his court. I was done planning all the dates and if he wanted to still date me it was totally up to him now. He was non responsive and had no reaction. Then asked if I wanted to go see a movie and out to dinner. so I thought great he's taking the initiative. Again we had a great time. Then after the sunday fireside he invited me over to his apartment. I thought things were looking up. Then the next Friday he invited me to the dance, but he found out that he had work at 7 am next day, so we'd only be there for an hour. So I said never mind, we can just hang out and watch a movie. Then the next day he went to a family easter picnic and did not invite me. Whatever. I was sad, but that's what he always does. So Saturday evening no date. He calls me up Saturday night and asks if he can go to church with me. I said sure. Then I said he could hang out till 5 because I had been invited to Jenny's grandparents house for dinner. He said never mind I'll just go to my own ward. I said fine. Sunday he gives me the silent treatment. Then he posts on my
facebook page after I had posted Happy Easter, he posted "not". I had just said good night before he posted it. So I texted him and asked what was wrong. He said I thought you went to bed now youre asking me whats wrong? I told him I keep my phone by my bed and saw his not post. He said I didn't mean to wake you. I said I wasn't asleep tell me what youre feeling. He said I don't want you to stew over it. I said I'm not stewing please talk to me. He said I'm glad youre not stewing. I said Now tell me what your feeling please. He said I'm not feeling anything at the moment. I said why did you post that. He said I should have wished you a happy easter. I asked again why was it not a happy easter for you??? he said why the 3 question marks? I said because you wont tell me why. truth be told I had a miserable easter day for so many reasons. He said why in the world did you have a miserable easter? I said because I made you sad, i'm worried about Jenny and the baby and other reasons. He said I'm far from sad truthfully speaking. I said I'm sorry I messed up your easter plans. I don't want you to be sad. He said I'm not sad. I said are you angry at me? You're angry with me because I didn't make plans for you to spend today with me? He said no use crying about it now it's almost tomorrow. I said, I said I was sorry. I messed up. If you are that angry with me and can't forgive me... he said I'm not angry and I don't see how you messed up. You got invited to dinner you accepted and you went that's great. I said I messed up with you. I made you feel left out and I'm sorry. He said no worries. then I said It hurts to be left behind by a loved one, believe me I know. It hurts when they say I love you then leave you. He said I'm well aware of that. I said the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. He then said are we now going to talk about Mr. Robbins leaving you? Good night. (that hurt so bad I cried harder than he's ever made me cry) I then said damn you. He said What? I said that hurt. I'm done. good bye Ken. This is the way he's communicated with me all through our relationship. Never giving me a straight answere or answering with a double meaning so whatever my reaction he can have an out. Dave talked that way also. I don't understand why he got so upset with me when he was doing the same thing to me over and over by not inviting me to his family functions. And I told him I was done doing the work and now he wants me to make him an Easter dinner and spend the whole day with him after he told me I was smothering him???? (the bipolar mind hard at work for ya). The only thing my boyfriend could've said that would have stabbed me to the core was being sassy and disrespectful of my feelings for Dave and what he did. The only thing I could not forgive. My boyfriend has made me cry so many times with his thoughtlessness and he's seen me cry and had no sympathy and made light of my feelings saying there you go again stewing.

There is also another red flag that I kept excusing away. It's regarding this 25 year old girl he befriended and became her mentor. He told me she was just a friend he met while volunteering at the food coalition center. They met right after his divorce. She has schizophrenia and had been sexually abused at a young age. In and out of the psychotic ward. So he felt it was his job to befriend her and mentor her. So they spent lots of time together. Long car rides up the canyons, out to eat, sports events, kiss and hugs and hand holding. went to the gym together every day. He was still "mentoring" her while in the middle of dating me. He would come to her rescue when she would be somewhere and have a psychotic episode to take her home. It was valentines day, I saw a card from her on his desk. I asked who it was from and he shrugged his shoulders and said oh that's just from his friend. So I picked it up and started to read it. It was covered with romantic sentiment's to him and there was a big whited out area. I asked why it was whited out and he said because she's crazy and it was inappropriate. I then saw a part she had written about how she loves snuggling him and how he kisses her cheeks and neck. So I said what in the world, he then grabbed it from me and put it in his desk. I told him this is not good, this is very inappropriate. I said she could cause you so much trouble and get the police involved and he said she's already tried. I told him to stop seeing her and he said he would.  He was like no big deal. Even then I forgave because he was after all bipolar. No accountability on his part, because he has a totally believable excuse. I told him she loves you romantically and he said "what makes you think that"? DUH. I wasn't even getting as much action as they were having (thank goodness). I asked him if he ever had romantic feelings for her and he said never.

Yes I was getting the big time (not good) vibes from him when these things would come up and I'd brush them aside because I didn't trust my feelings anymore and maybe I just wanted so bad to be loved I overlooked these obvious signals. so I haven't heard from him since I said goodbye. I doubt I'll hear an apology from him because his bipolar mind has no accountability, he's always the victim. I do feel very sorry for him, because he'll never find a good woman to marry. Maybe he'll find a rauntchy woman, a gold digger, or a schizophrenic woman to dupe into marrying him, but he'll never have a normal loving marriage.

I was the perfect catch for him. I have a home and a job. He lives in an apartment and on disability. I am super kind and patient. I'm not that bad looking. I'm not overweight. I'm healthy. I spoiled him with gifts and affection. What did I get in return? Nothing but attitude and him complaining that I wouldn't let him do anything for me. What the hec does that mean?  I didn't refuse anything from him. The only thing I did to not let him do for me was that I'd always offer to drive to his apartment on dates so he didn't have to backtrack 1/2 hour. He never offered to do anything for me. If he had I'd have let him. He should have treated me better. I deserve to be treated at least with a little respect.

He would blurt out while I was telling him something with a "I don't care". What? He never said just kidding or a sorry. I don't know if he thought that was funny. I sure didn't find it funny. Who says that?  How rude. At restaurants he wouldn't just blow his nose loudly but dig and pick his nose with his napkin and look at it. GROSE! He would burp out loud all the time. He would point at people. He would mimic people. I had to remind him to open the doors for me and help me down stairs. No basic manners. He did warn me that he was annoying at first and was able to be on his best behavior but as we got more and more comfortable with each other he got ruder and ruder. But he was able to control himself at first which means there's no excuses for his bad behavior.