I've been thinking about our journey through this life and the iron rod journey. We start this journey with our family to help us or in some cases hinder us. In my journey my family is a very important source of strength for me. Then we marry and our spouse becomes our main source of strength. You go along through all the hills and valleys, thicks and thins together hand in hand. But when that spouse chooses to abandon you by either divorce or in my case die, the ground is ripped from under you and all you can do is hang onto that rod. I felt for so long that I was dangling from that rod, somehow I had the strength to hang on. Then of course the mist of darkness comes and blows against you trying to make you let go. And all you can do is pray for the strength to hang on. No spouse to be seen anywhere. Divorced people who still have living ex's, keep going to defy them. They have something to get angry at and use that anger to move on. I don't get that luxury. Mine just vanished. He's not lost in the mist of darkness, not over the cliff into the dark abyss below, not in the tall and spacious building, not ahead of me or behind me. Just gone with no explanation. Yes others have lost their loved ones along the way. But they get to know they are waiting for them on the other side and they are still loved. I don't get to have that perfect knowledge. But there was a light at the end of my dark tunnel. A new travel companion. (Tracey) No longer do I feel the lost and loneliness and the vulnerability of being alone. Now I can continue on the path with a new perspective.
I was delayed in my journey for a couple of years. I'm on my way again.
Now I see others who are waylaid on their journey by no fault of their own. Because of choices loved ones around them make. I see them dangling from the rod surrounded by that horrible mist of darkness that is depression, hopelessness, confusion, loneliness, sorrow and pain. How to help? I myself gathered strength from passerby's who would offer encouragements and acts of kindness. Yes a few would step on my fingers as they skipped merrily by, oblivious to my plight. But I didn't pay them no mind, because I saw what was coming up ahead for them.
So as you make you way along the iron rod, no stepping on fingers of those dangling, do offer whatever support you can, do smile and say you can do it, do have a silly song to sing to help lighten the mood, and try to have patience for those who are oblivious.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Thursday, August 11, 2016
UPdates
It's been a while since I blogged last. About 2 years? After the whole Ken fiasco, I found my true love and best friend about a month after. He treats me so wonderfully. No mental or emotional hang ups. I keep telling my new hubby how stupid I was to have dated Ken for so long. He said I needed to learn a lesson about men and that the experience prepared me for when we met. Ya, that's what I'll chalk it up as, experience. Anyway I'm very happy with the new hubby.
The real reason I wanted to blog today was an idea that I've been musing over for a while. I think I may have blogged about this before. It is about will power. Can will power be given or shared? The will to get up off the couch and do something productive, the will power to loose weight, the will power to learn new things. The will power to progress in all aspects of life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We all have times where we just get stuck. Because of hardships, trials, loneliness, whatever it is that weighs us down and makes us give up. Can another person, by just being around them give you the will power, strength and ambition to do hard things? Without that person even knowing they are giving the strength? I vote yes. And I believe it is a spiritual gift to have this will power magical aura.
The woman I tend for who had a major stroke that killed half her brain. That stroke took away her will power. She use to be the go go go woman. You needed something done, she'd do it without hesitation. Now, all her sense of "i can do it" is gone. Anything unpleasant for her is a daily fight to get her to do. Going to the gym to exercise is very hard for her mentally. But I force her to do it. There is an exercise I have her do called sit to stands were she grabs onto a bar in front of her and she pulls herself up to stand. Well I told her husband who helps with us with the exercising to watch what I was going to do. So we are both standing on either side of her so she doesn't fall. I tell Ramona to grab the bar and stand, so she does and she just sits there. I say ok 123 stand, she jiggles in her chair a bit but can't stand up. So I say watch this, all I'm going to do is put my hands on either side of her waist and just squeeze a little, not lifting her at all. So I did and said ok stand and she popps right up off her chair no help just my hands on her waist. I did that experiment a few times with the same results. Why? Why can't she move on her own? Why does she need just the feel of hands on her to move? There was a movie with Robin Williams called Awakenings that talked about this "phenomena". They called it "borrowing wills". (interesting side note here, Robin Williams committed suicide) Hmmm so I've seen it work mentally and physically on Ramona who is brain damaged and has no will of her own. Can it work on healthy people who by whatever means looses their will? I still vote yes.
After David died, I craved hugs, I needed hugs, I needed to borrow loved ones "wills" and it did give me strength. But in today's society it is viewed as improper to hug and it is improper. I don't give hugs randomly. Arms length away please. I'm very uncomfortable when the bishop hugs me even the relief society pres hugs me when I don't want or ask for one. But when I do need a hug when something bad happens, I sure love to hug loved ones. Being single was hard, I hugged my daughters everyday. But to not have a hubby to hug, that was very hard. I'm so grateful to have a very loveable hubby who craves hugs as much or even more than I do.
So... how do I share my will power magical touch? How do I know who even needs it? Is just a touch on the shoulder or elbow or hand enough to transfer it? or even just my presence? I'm a very shy person. I do not like to impose myself on people. I am not talkative or popular. I still don't believe anyone would even want to be near me. I'm nobody. How I'd love to give support and encouragement to those who've had loved ones die of suicide. So I can share my will power support with them. But how?
The real reason I wanted to blog today was an idea that I've been musing over for a while. I think I may have blogged about this before. It is about will power. Can will power be given or shared? The will to get up off the couch and do something productive, the will power to loose weight, the will power to learn new things. The will power to progress in all aspects of life. Physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. We all have times where we just get stuck. Because of hardships, trials, loneliness, whatever it is that weighs us down and makes us give up. Can another person, by just being around them give you the will power, strength and ambition to do hard things? Without that person even knowing they are giving the strength? I vote yes. And I believe it is a spiritual gift to have this will power magical aura.
The woman I tend for who had a major stroke that killed half her brain. That stroke took away her will power. She use to be the go go go woman. You needed something done, she'd do it without hesitation. Now, all her sense of "i can do it" is gone. Anything unpleasant for her is a daily fight to get her to do. Going to the gym to exercise is very hard for her mentally. But I force her to do it. There is an exercise I have her do called sit to stands were she grabs onto a bar in front of her and she pulls herself up to stand. Well I told her husband who helps with us with the exercising to watch what I was going to do. So we are both standing on either side of her so she doesn't fall. I tell Ramona to grab the bar and stand, so she does and she just sits there. I say ok 123 stand, she jiggles in her chair a bit but can't stand up. So I say watch this, all I'm going to do is put my hands on either side of her waist and just squeeze a little, not lifting her at all. So I did and said ok stand and she popps right up off her chair no help just my hands on her waist. I did that experiment a few times with the same results. Why? Why can't she move on her own? Why does she need just the feel of hands on her to move? There was a movie with Robin Williams called Awakenings that talked about this "phenomena". They called it "borrowing wills". (interesting side note here, Robin Williams committed suicide) Hmmm so I've seen it work mentally and physically on Ramona who is brain damaged and has no will of her own. Can it work on healthy people who by whatever means looses their will? I still vote yes.
After David died, I craved hugs, I needed hugs, I needed to borrow loved ones "wills" and it did give me strength. But in today's society it is viewed as improper to hug and it is improper. I don't give hugs randomly. Arms length away please. I'm very uncomfortable when the bishop hugs me even the relief society pres hugs me when I don't want or ask for one. But when I do need a hug when something bad happens, I sure love to hug loved ones. Being single was hard, I hugged my daughters everyday. But to not have a hubby to hug, that was very hard. I'm so grateful to have a very loveable hubby who craves hugs as much or even more than I do.
So... how do I share my will power magical touch? How do I know who even needs it? Is just a touch on the shoulder or elbow or hand enough to transfer it? or even just my presence? I'm a very shy person. I do not like to impose myself on people. I am not talkative or popular. I still don't believe anyone would even want to be near me. I'm nobody. How I'd love to give support and encouragement to those who've had loved ones die of suicide. So I can share my will power support with them. But how?
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Beguiled
Putting together in my mind the events that happened on my 48th birthday so that I can understand what exactly happened has been very stressful and confusing. I will try to explain what happened.
The evening of my birthday I was suppose to meet up with Ken at a fireside in Spanish Fork. He didn't show up. I texted him asking if he had changed his mind. He texted back a simple "I have" and that was it. We had not gotten in another fight. The day before I had gone to support him in a 5K race he was running and then went to a health fair afterwards. It went well. I was confused at this text so I called him. A woman answered his cell phone. It was Jayce, the girl he was "mentoring" for the past 3 years who is 26 years old. He had told me because she was psychotic that he wasn't seeing her anymore. I asked who is this and she said who's this? I said this is Karen and she yelled at Ken I thought you said you were done with Karen. Then she said to me I'm so sorry we're just friends we just went out to eat tonight that's all. What? it was my birthday and I didn't get a dinner date. So I told her to give the phone to Ken. She said he doesn't want to talk to you. I said then put it on speaker phone cuz I have something to say. I told Ken we were done. I couldn't believe he was with Jayce. I hung up and drove home crying. Text messages then came flying from both his phone and her phone. It was confusing some sounded like her on his phone and him and her phone. Like they were grabbing phones from each other and texting as fast as they could. I told both of them they could go to hell. He was mad she was mad I was mad. I told Ken he needed to see his bishop for having sex with a 26 year old and he called me a perv for thinking such a thing. Then she calls me from a different phone from the Maverik down the street from Ken. She was hysterical and crying begging me to come get her. I told her I can't. She then told me everything her and Ken had done over the past 3 years since they met. She told me they've had sex many times. They had sex earlier that day. She said they drank and took a bunch of extend pills. She said he keeps a bottle of alcohol in the bottom of his fridge, he views pornography a lot. She told me he got fired from his job at the state mental hospital because he fondled a patients breasts and it was caught on tape. He also had an affair with a co-worker. It all fit with his evasiveness when I asked about these things early on in the relationship. She went on to describe the sex they had that day, what she was wearing where they were. She said she's been staying there since Thursday. She said she wanted to kill herself and that Ken was very abusive to her and how mad he was back at the apartment. So I said don't go back over there and she said she had no way of getting home. I told her to call her parents, she said her parent disowned her. I told her to call a friend. She said she was going back over there. so I called the police to check on things over there and to call me back with what they found. By now my parents came over to help comfort me. They heard me talking on the phone to the police and the call back. This was about 11:00 pm. He said he checked over there and everything was fine and They were in very good spirits. I had been had. Pulled into the drama queen bit. I do believe they have been having sex tho. Even if not, he chose her over me. Which I don't understand. I have a home and a job. She has no job and homeless. Once again I have been rejected by a man I loved dearly. He never said sorry or had any kind of explanation. He never denied any wrong doing. He was very angry at me for calling the police tho I told him it was because JC was suicidal, which he said was another one of her lies. I called Kens sons to check on him and see if JC was still living there. One son checked to see if the police actually went over there because he didn't believe me they even went over there. I told him the number I called and that my parents over heard the police report back to me. I haven't heard back from that son. JC called me and left a phone message which I still have saying she has pictures of them having sex and she wanted to meet with me to show me and then to meet with Ken's bishop to show him. She called me again after I didn't respond telling me the same thing. I told her not my problem and to go to hell. I have never cussed a day in my life until I met Ken. He has made me cuss several times. But only words like damn you and go to hell. I later texted her back asking her to e-mail one to me as proof. She called me a sick-o and said no they're private. Whatever.
I decided to go to Yellowstone with my family even tho I would miss a choir concert I had been practicing for months. The day after the concert Ken sends me an e-mail because I blocked him and JC from my phone, saying he missed me at the concert and the dance and there wasn't a fireside that Sunday. Like nothing happened. Bi-polar 100% his brain has the ability to forget or totally push aside what the bad side of him does.
I haven't heard the last of Ken I'm sure. So what do I do now? Hide from all the things I love doing? Dances, choir, firesides? I haven't seen him for a month now. At first I was in agony and felt so used and dirty and very angry. Now I'm feeling better about it. I still feel cheated out of a year of feeling for the looser. Why did I feel the intense twitterpations with him every time I was with him? I never felt that with any other man I danced with at the dances. Why did I fall so hard in love with Ken? When I was with him, I felt no sadness or sorrow for Dave and it felt so nice to be rid of that pain if even for a little while. Now the sadness and sorrow is back for Dave in full force and anger that I even have to go through this crap.
So the question now is why? Why did this happen to me? I thought I was smart and aware of spiritual promptings. Looking back I was getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was away from Ken, not when I was with him. Weird. I thought maybe I was broken and I could no longer feel those promptings because of the trauma with Dave. So I used that as an excuse. Heavenly Father knew I was in trouble. He knew I was very week and vulnerable and so lonely. How merciful he was to intervene and prove to me Ken was bad news. So many friends and family have told me that they pray for me everyday since Dave's death. My kids all knew from day one that Ken was a looser. What would have happened to me if I didn't have my kids living with me? I shudder to think. But as my silly mind processes over and over the why's of me going through this... I have come to the conclusion that this illness Ken has and what it turned him into, is what Dave feared would happen to him and our family. Dave's older brother Brian has done some very bad things with this same illness.
Right after Dave's death, I had decided that it doesn't matter what it takes to stay here on this earth, here is the most important place to be even if you have to turn to drugs, alcohol or sex to dull that pain of living, do whatever it takes to stay alive. Now I don't feel that way, maybe sometimes it is better to go home than be tortured day and night with mental, physical, emotional and spiritual pain. Knowing you will tear apart your family if you stay. I understand now and how I love my sweet husband even more for choosing to leave. And I understand why Heavenly Father allowed Dave to make that choice and to let him come home.
The evening of my birthday I was suppose to meet up with Ken at a fireside in Spanish Fork. He didn't show up. I texted him asking if he had changed his mind. He texted back a simple "I have" and that was it. We had not gotten in another fight. The day before I had gone to support him in a 5K race he was running and then went to a health fair afterwards. It went well. I was confused at this text so I called him. A woman answered his cell phone. It was Jayce, the girl he was "mentoring" for the past 3 years who is 26 years old. He had told me because she was psychotic that he wasn't seeing her anymore. I asked who is this and she said who's this? I said this is Karen and she yelled at Ken I thought you said you were done with Karen. Then she said to me I'm so sorry we're just friends we just went out to eat tonight that's all. What? it was my birthday and I didn't get a dinner date. So I told her to give the phone to Ken. She said he doesn't want to talk to you. I said then put it on speaker phone cuz I have something to say. I told Ken we were done. I couldn't believe he was with Jayce. I hung up and drove home crying. Text messages then came flying from both his phone and her phone. It was confusing some sounded like her on his phone and him and her phone. Like they were grabbing phones from each other and texting as fast as they could. I told both of them they could go to hell. He was mad she was mad I was mad. I told Ken he needed to see his bishop for having sex with a 26 year old and he called me a perv for thinking such a thing. Then she calls me from a different phone from the Maverik down the street from Ken. She was hysterical and crying begging me to come get her. I told her I can't. She then told me everything her and Ken had done over the past 3 years since they met. She told me they've had sex many times. They had sex earlier that day. She said they drank and took a bunch of extend pills. She said he keeps a bottle of alcohol in the bottom of his fridge, he views pornography a lot. She told me he got fired from his job at the state mental hospital because he fondled a patients breasts and it was caught on tape. He also had an affair with a co-worker. It all fit with his evasiveness when I asked about these things early on in the relationship. She went on to describe the sex they had that day, what she was wearing where they were. She said she's been staying there since Thursday. She said she wanted to kill herself and that Ken was very abusive to her and how mad he was back at the apartment. So I said don't go back over there and she said she had no way of getting home. I told her to call her parents, she said her parent disowned her. I told her to call a friend. She said she was going back over there. so I called the police to check on things over there and to call me back with what they found. By now my parents came over to help comfort me. They heard me talking on the phone to the police and the call back. This was about 11:00 pm. He said he checked over there and everything was fine and They were in very good spirits. I had been had. Pulled into the drama queen bit. I do believe they have been having sex tho. Even if not, he chose her over me. Which I don't understand. I have a home and a job. She has no job and homeless. Once again I have been rejected by a man I loved dearly. He never said sorry or had any kind of explanation. He never denied any wrong doing. He was very angry at me for calling the police tho I told him it was because JC was suicidal, which he said was another one of her lies. I called Kens sons to check on him and see if JC was still living there. One son checked to see if the police actually went over there because he didn't believe me they even went over there. I told him the number I called and that my parents over heard the police report back to me. I haven't heard back from that son. JC called me and left a phone message which I still have saying she has pictures of them having sex and she wanted to meet with me to show me and then to meet with Ken's bishop to show him. She called me again after I didn't respond telling me the same thing. I told her not my problem and to go to hell. I have never cussed a day in my life until I met Ken. He has made me cuss several times. But only words like damn you and go to hell. I later texted her back asking her to e-mail one to me as proof. She called me a sick-o and said no they're private. Whatever.
I decided to go to Yellowstone with my family even tho I would miss a choir concert I had been practicing for months. The day after the concert Ken sends me an e-mail because I blocked him and JC from my phone, saying he missed me at the concert and the dance and there wasn't a fireside that Sunday. Like nothing happened. Bi-polar 100% his brain has the ability to forget or totally push aside what the bad side of him does.
I haven't heard the last of Ken I'm sure. So what do I do now? Hide from all the things I love doing? Dances, choir, firesides? I haven't seen him for a month now. At first I was in agony and felt so used and dirty and very angry. Now I'm feeling better about it. I still feel cheated out of a year of feeling for the looser. Why did I feel the intense twitterpations with him every time I was with him? I never felt that with any other man I danced with at the dances. Why did I fall so hard in love with Ken? When I was with him, I felt no sadness or sorrow for Dave and it felt so nice to be rid of that pain if even for a little while. Now the sadness and sorrow is back for Dave in full force and anger that I even have to go through this crap.
So the question now is why? Why did this happen to me? I thought I was smart and aware of spiritual promptings. Looking back I was getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I was away from Ken, not when I was with him. Weird. I thought maybe I was broken and I could no longer feel those promptings because of the trauma with Dave. So I used that as an excuse. Heavenly Father knew I was in trouble. He knew I was very week and vulnerable and so lonely. How merciful he was to intervene and prove to me Ken was bad news. So many friends and family have told me that they pray for me everyday since Dave's death. My kids all knew from day one that Ken was a looser. What would have happened to me if I didn't have my kids living with me? I shudder to think. But as my silly mind processes over and over the why's of me going through this... I have come to the conclusion that this illness Ken has and what it turned him into, is what Dave feared would happen to him and our family. Dave's older brother Brian has done some very bad things with this same illness.
Right after Dave's death, I had decided that it doesn't matter what it takes to stay here on this earth, here is the most important place to be even if you have to turn to drugs, alcohol or sex to dull that pain of living, do whatever it takes to stay alive. Now I don't feel that way, maybe sometimes it is better to go home than be tortured day and night with mental, physical, emotional and spiritual pain. Knowing you will tear apart your family if you stay. I understand now and how I love my sweet husband even more for choosing to leave. And I understand why Heavenly Father allowed Dave to make that choice and to let him come home.
Friday, May 23, 2014
The Bi-Polar boyfriend
Well, I made up with my boyfriend and forgave his mean attitude again. Why am I so forgiving of the bi-polar mind??? He told me he didn't mean to hurt me and that he was just asking why we were changing the subject. I then said but you said good night right after the rude statement and he said he doesn't remember saying that. I said I have it right here on my phone. He just shrugged. But I forgave him anyway. He never said he was sorry for being rude, because the bi-polar mind has no accountability. So we went on one date and I went over to his apartment a couple of times for a movie and I invited him over for Mother's day for dinner. I thought things were going great. He was so sweet to me when we made up. But things went right back to how it was, him saying rude things to me and being sassy.
I tried to text him that I was sad one day because the neighbor lady was griping about our aspen tree stumps sending shoots into her yard. I got... yep the silent treatment. I then texted him I needed a hug, because he once told me if I ever needed a hug to tell him and he'd come. What did I get... the silent treatment. He got my texts because he mentioned them later.
Because of his bi-polar illness and the suppressing medications, he is unable to be compassionate he is unable to feel the deep emotions both bad and good. I keep thinking that will change, but the same thing went on with Dave, whenever I had a crises, Dave couldn't give me the compassion I needed either the last couple of years of his life.
Last Monday he asked me what he could do to better in our relationship. I told him I needed to think about it and e-mail a response. Here is my e-mail exactly...
I am about to bombard you with my thoughts about our relationship both good and a little bad. I'm sorry this is going to be very disjointed and jump around from thought to thought.
I have only known a man woman relationship with a depressed, bio-polar, pre-schizophrenia man. I have no idea what is "normal and what isn't". People tell me their opinion of what is normal and what I should look for or stay away from in a relationship.
"Dave and I went to many marriage counseling sessions both LDS and non LDS. In the church we're told to forgive and accept and ignore hurtful things our spouses do and to pray for them and for strength to cope and to forget about the bad behavior and work on our own faults. I did all that and the results ended up worse than a divorce. So I don't know what "rules" to follow anymore in a relationship. I pray for guidance everyday with you and our relationship and I believe Heavenly Father has been helping me and I follow my heart and gut feelings concerning you.
I knew what to do and how to act when I would see the signs of a melt down in David to avoid it or defuse it and I was good at it because I believe it's one of my spiritual gifts. I am very affectionate and like to smother my loved ones with hugs, kisses, touch, gifts and service, I can't and won't change that. It's dumb to even ask me to change that because it's a good quality. It concerns me a lot that you are uncomfortable with my affectionate nature and bothers me when you criticize or tease me for being affectionate. I understand that you are not use to the attention and didn't have that in your marriage, like you've told me. I don't know how Anine was with showing affections with you. Did she push you away when you wanted physical attention? Did she think sex was disgusting and only for procreation? I know, you don't like to talk about that. But if that's true that she felt that way about sex, you need to know that is not how all women feel and in my view is very wrong to think that way. Pitty sakes why did I start talking about sex??? Anyway next subject.
I don't like when you say mean things to me. I don't like mean critical teasing. It's not funny to say or do mean things then when it backfires to say just kidding or I don't remember saying that. Me no likey that. If it's something that would hurt your feelings if I said it or did it to you, then don't say or do it to me. The scripture "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is very good advice.
I don't like when you blame me for when things don't work out with us and you say things like I didn't think you wanted to or I'm just following your lead. If you feel something is wrong or I hurt your feelings, tell me, talk to me, don't be sassy or pout about it. If you feel happy about our relationship, tell me. If you want more or something different in our relationship, tell me. I will not shoot you down. If you feel like you want to hug or kiss me or hold my hand or put your arm around me when we're sitting together, then do it. Don't worry about weather or not I want you to all the time. Really there's no worry, because I always love such attentions. However if you really don't like all the affection I'm throwing at you, then we need to go our separate ways, because I really do need a man that will accept and give freely in that department. Of course there's moral boundaries that I'll not cross.
It also seems like you go to great lengths to keep me away from Anine, what are you afraid of? (I'm talking about church and ball games) Now I'm not saying I want a formal meeting set up with her, no, and I don't want to be good buddies with her. I just want you to relax about situations were we might meet. I'm a big girl and can handle whatever happens. Unless you're keeping a big secret from me that you don't want her telling me about? If she starts telling me about all your hang-ups and why you got divorced, it would be a good test to see if I run and we've known each other long enough that such a test is needed. Let all the garbage out?
I want our relationship to be more open verbally regarding our feelings about anything. I like honesty.
I also feel like you are getting bored of me. What can I do to be a better girl friend for you?"
I texted him and asked if he got my e-mail. He said he did. Then the silence. I ask if I could call him and talk about it and he said no I've been reprimanded enough. I told him the e-mail was not written as a reprimand and besides he asked what he could do to improve our relationship. Silent treatment. I texted him to write an email with whatever questions he had. So he did and here's his email... the highlighted parts are just my sarcastic thoughts.
You stated that I was uncomfortable with your affection, I've never
been uncomfortable with your affection. Also I've never teased you
about your affection nor have I criticized you for your your affection
that's not what I do. (not true) My ex wife should not be mentioned in this email
at all. (I must have missed that rule) How she viewed affection and intimacy I've already mentioned
before. I'm fine about talking sex but I don't know why you brought it
up,it must be on your mind. (suggesting that I'm a sick-o?) Next subject saying mean things. The
question should be if I'm saying mean things why are you putting up
with it, for most women that would be a deal breaker "if" mean things
are being said. (notice he didn't actually say he wasn't being mean, but implied it) I agree it's not funny to say mean things. You are
the first person who has said that to me. (right and your ex wife left you because you were too nice to her) The scripture "do unto
others as you would have them do unto you" was taught to me by my dear
Mother as a young child and is wonderful advice. I don't recall
blaming you for anything during the time we have been dating. (again not true) Its not
in my nature to blame anyone for anything I Learned that in a previous
marriage. (what?) And I have NEVER been a pouter as you mentioned. (so not true, he pouted all day Easter Sunday) I totally
accept for affection I always have. Next subject: Going to great
lengths to keep you away from Anine again mentioning my former spouse. (oh no I broke that rule again, how evil of me)
If you want to meet her great meet her I'm not afraid of you meeting
her. (such sass and venom here, notice how sore the whole ex wife subject is to him)I can give you her cell number the address where she works which
is just up the street from where I live. I have not secrets you can
ask her any question you want. (no secrets, ya right, he tried to keep the whole lovey dovey 25 year old girlfriend a secret from me) You talked about a test being needed
what test? You said Sunday that you were cautious about showing
affection kissing etc. cuz I had been sick, you seemed cautious on
Sunday as well. If you want to kiss my lips you may do so. Kissing
my cheeks doesn't send the message that I'm supposed to kiss your
lips. I'm not into sending "messages". (that's obvious)
You talked about affection and moral values yes we both have morals definitely. (ya right, and dating a young 25 year old girl 30 years younger than him, holding hands, hugging, kissing and necking, who know what else, show's such high morals, NOT)
I realize your feelings get hurt easily, (implying that I'm overly sensitive and putting the blame on me for being hurt) your daughter has hurt your feelings your
neighbor has hurt your feelings I've hurt your feelings. (well at least he admitted that he hurt my feelings here) Sunday you
asked me if I wanted you to leave I didn't know how to respond. (because he was totally ignoring me because he was watching the stupid music awards on TV which he watches way to much of) You
seem to be intolerant with people or things. I realize It can be
confusing trying to have a relationship with a divorcee who is
bi-polar it can be difficult I know, (here we go with the I'm a poor bi-polar man, I can't help myself routine) it contributed to our divorce no
doubt about that. I wish the bp would leave but it's here to stay. (in other words, take me as I am or not at all, I'm not even going to try to control it, I am not accountable for any of my bad behaviors because I'm bi-polar)
And that's my honesty.
I then texted him back thanking him for his honesty and told him I had sent another e-mail in reply. Here is my e-mailed response...
Thank you for being honest with me and replying.
Ok great affection is accepted all around, no problems there.
Ya I don't know why I brought up sex either.
Mean things said, is relative and the person saying it usually doesn't realize they're being mean at all. In the future I will let you know if what you say or do is hurtful right when it happens so it can be cleared up and I would like you to tell me when I say something hurtful to you right away also ok.
Mentioning Anine... I won't do it again, I'm sorry.
This next part I don't understand what you mean, you said "You
seem to be intolerant with people or things." How so? I need to know so I can fix this personality flaw of mine. If you're talking about the news guy with his shirt and tie not matching... I really don't care if people's clothes don't match. I was kidding around.
Yes overall I do need to work on not being judgmental and critical of people, I will work on that.
Ok that wasn't so bad. Anything else?
I have learned a lot about myself since I've been with you.
I've learned that I jump to conclusions way too fast.
I take things too seriously and need to chill.
I read too much into situations and not just accept things at face value.
I am way too emotionally sensitive and take offense to everything.
I will work on these faults.
I have learned to stop "stewing" over the little things and I've been sleeping much better.
I then get the silent treatment. So I texted him back and asked how he was feeling. Silence. I then asked if he was thinking of breaking up. He texted back yes. So I texted back I understand, I don't regret our time together and I hope you can find a very kind woman who can make you happy.
Here I am again, sad and lonely. Why I keep thinking my boyfriend can miraculously change, I don't know. I just don't understand why the bi-polar illness gets to be blamed for the rudeness and uncaringness only? In the beginning of our relationship he was able to have a handle on not being rude. So now, I need to stay away from him, because for some reason I still care for him, I could never hate him. I do feel very sorry for him and by my nature I am a nurturer and have to always be fixing the hurt. I just wish I could find someone to help me fix my hurt.
I tried to text him that I was sad one day because the neighbor lady was griping about our aspen tree stumps sending shoots into her yard. I got... yep the silent treatment. I then texted him I needed a hug, because he once told me if I ever needed a hug to tell him and he'd come. What did I get... the silent treatment. He got my texts because he mentioned them later.
Because of his bi-polar illness and the suppressing medications, he is unable to be compassionate he is unable to feel the deep emotions both bad and good. I keep thinking that will change, but the same thing went on with Dave, whenever I had a crises, Dave couldn't give me the compassion I needed either the last couple of years of his life.
Last Monday he asked me what he could do to better in our relationship. I told him I needed to think about it and e-mail a response. Here is my e-mail exactly...
I am about to bombard you with my thoughts about our relationship both good and a little bad. I'm sorry this is going to be very disjointed and jump around from thought to thought.
I have only known a man woman relationship with a depressed, bio-polar, pre-schizophrenia man. I have no idea what is "normal and what isn't". People tell me their opinion of what is normal and what I should look for or stay away from in a relationship.
"Dave and I went to many marriage counseling sessions both LDS and non LDS. In the church we're told to forgive and accept and ignore hurtful things our spouses do and to pray for them and for strength to cope and to forget about the bad behavior and work on our own faults. I did all that and the results ended up worse than a divorce. So I don't know what "rules" to follow anymore in a relationship. I pray for guidance everyday with you and our relationship and I believe Heavenly Father has been helping me and I follow my heart and gut feelings concerning you.
I knew what to do and how to act when I would see the signs of a melt down in David to avoid it or defuse it and I was good at it because I believe it's one of my spiritual gifts. I am very affectionate and like to smother my loved ones with hugs, kisses, touch, gifts and service, I can't and won't change that. It's dumb to even ask me to change that because it's a good quality. It concerns me a lot that you are uncomfortable with my affectionate nature and bothers me when you criticize or tease me for being affectionate. I understand that you are not use to the attention and didn't have that in your marriage, like you've told me. I don't know how Anine was with showing affections with you. Did she push you away when you wanted physical attention? Did she think sex was disgusting and only for procreation? I know, you don't like to talk about that. But if that's true that she felt that way about sex, you need to know that is not how all women feel and in my view is very wrong to think that way. Pitty sakes why did I start talking about sex??? Anyway next subject.
I don't like when you say mean things to me. I don't like mean critical teasing. It's not funny to say or do mean things then when it backfires to say just kidding or I don't remember saying that. Me no likey that. If it's something that would hurt your feelings if I said it or did it to you, then don't say or do it to me. The scripture "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is very good advice.
I don't like when you blame me for when things don't work out with us and you say things like I didn't think you wanted to or I'm just following your lead. If you feel something is wrong or I hurt your feelings, tell me, talk to me, don't be sassy or pout about it. If you feel happy about our relationship, tell me. If you want more or something different in our relationship, tell me. I will not shoot you down. If you feel like you want to hug or kiss me or hold my hand or put your arm around me when we're sitting together, then do it. Don't worry about weather or not I want you to all the time. Really there's no worry, because I always love such attentions. However if you really don't like all the affection I'm throwing at you, then we need to go our separate ways, because I really do need a man that will accept and give freely in that department. Of course there's moral boundaries that I'll not cross.
It also seems like you go to great lengths to keep me away from Anine, what are you afraid of? (I'm talking about church and ball games) Now I'm not saying I want a formal meeting set up with her, no, and I don't want to be good buddies with her. I just want you to relax about situations were we might meet. I'm a big girl and can handle whatever happens. Unless you're keeping a big secret from me that you don't want her telling me about? If she starts telling me about all your hang-ups and why you got divorced, it would be a good test to see if I run and we've known each other long enough that such a test is needed. Let all the garbage out?
I want our relationship to be more open verbally regarding our feelings about anything. I like honesty.
I also feel like you are getting bored of me. What can I do to be a better girl friend for you?"
I texted him and asked if he got my e-mail. He said he did. Then the silence. I ask if I could call him and talk about it and he said no I've been reprimanded enough. I told him the e-mail was not written as a reprimand and besides he asked what he could do to improve our relationship. Silent treatment. I texted him to write an email with whatever questions he had. So he did and here's his email... the highlighted parts are just my sarcastic thoughts.
You stated that I was uncomfortable with your affection, I've never
been uncomfortable with your affection. Also I've never teased you
about your affection nor have I criticized you for your your affection
that's not what I do. (not true) My ex wife should not be mentioned in this email
at all. (I must have missed that rule) How she viewed affection and intimacy I've already mentioned
before. I'm fine about talking sex but I don't know why you brought it
up,it must be on your mind. (suggesting that I'm a sick-o?) Next subject saying mean things. The
question should be if I'm saying mean things why are you putting up
with it, for most women that would be a deal breaker "if" mean things
are being said. (notice he didn't actually say he wasn't being mean, but implied it) I agree it's not funny to say mean things. You are
the first person who has said that to me. (right and your ex wife left you because you were too nice to her) The scripture "do unto
others as you would have them do unto you" was taught to me by my dear
Mother as a young child and is wonderful advice. I don't recall
blaming you for anything during the time we have been dating. (again not true) Its not
in my nature to blame anyone for anything I Learned that in a previous
marriage. (what?) And I have NEVER been a pouter as you mentioned. (so not true, he pouted all day Easter Sunday) I totally
accept for affection I always have. Next subject: Going to great
lengths to keep you away from Anine again mentioning my former spouse. (oh no I broke that rule again, how evil of me)
If you want to meet her great meet her I'm not afraid of you meeting
her. (such sass and venom here, notice how sore the whole ex wife subject is to him)I can give you her cell number the address where she works which
is just up the street from where I live. I have not secrets you can
ask her any question you want. (no secrets, ya right, he tried to keep the whole lovey dovey 25 year old girlfriend a secret from me) You talked about a test being needed
what test? You said Sunday that you were cautious about showing
affection kissing etc. cuz I had been sick, you seemed cautious on
Sunday as well. If you want to kiss my lips you may do so. Kissing
my cheeks doesn't send the message that I'm supposed to kiss your
lips. I'm not into sending "messages". (that's obvious)
You talked about affection and moral values yes we both have morals definitely. (ya right, and dating a young 25 year old girl 30 years younger than him, holding hands, hugging, kissing and necking, who know what else, show's such high morals, NOT)
I realize your feelings get hurt easily, (implying that I'm overly sensitive and putting the blame on me for being hurt) your daughter has hurt your feelings your
neighbor has hurt your feelings I've hurt your feelings. (well at least he admitted that he hurt my feelings here) Sunday you
asked me if I wanted you to leave I didn't know how to respond. (because he was totally ignoring me because he was watching the stupid music awards on TV which he watches way to much of) You
seem to be intolerant with people or things. I realize It can be
confusing trying to have a relationship with a divorcee who is
bi-polar it can be difficult I know, (here we go with the I'm a poor bi-polar man, I can't help myself routine) it contributed to our divorce no
doubt about that. I wish the bp would leave but it's here to stay. (in other words, take me as I am or not at all, I'm not even going to try to control it, I am not accountable for any of my bad behaviors because I'm bi-polar)
And that's my honesty.
I then texted him back thanking him for his honesty and told him I had sent another e-mail in reply. Here is my e-mailed response...
Thank you for being honest with me and replying.
Ok great affection is accepted all around, no problems there.
Ya I don't know why I brought up sex either.
Mean things said, is relative and the person saying it usually doesn't realize they're being mean at all. In the future I will let you know if what you say or do is hurtful right when it happens so it can be cleared up and I would like you to tell me when I say something hurtful to you right away also ok.
Mentioning Anine... I won't do it again, I'm sorry.
This next part I don't understand what you mean, you said "You
seem to be intolerant with people or things." How so? I need to know so I can fix this personality flaw of mine. If you're talking about the news guy with his shirt and tie not matching... I really don't care if people's clothes don't match. I was kidding around.
Yes overall I do need to work on not being judgmental and critical of people, I will work on that.
Ok that wasn't so bad. Anything else?
I have learned a lot about myself since I've been with you.
I've learned that I jump to conclusions way too fast.
I take things too seriously and need to chill.
I read too much into situations and not just accept things at face value.
I am way too emotionally sensitive and take offense to everything.
I will work on these faults.
I have learned to stop "stewing" over the little things and I've been sleeping much better.
I then get the silent treatment. So I texted him back and asked how he was feeling. Silence. I then asked if he was thinking of breaking up. He texted back yes. So I texted back I understand, I don't regret our time together and I hope you can find a very kind woman who can make you happy.
Here I am again, sad and lonely. Why I keep thinking my boyfriend can miraculously change, I don't know. I just don't understand why the bi-polar illness gets to be blamed for the rudeness and uncaringness only? In the beginning of our relationship he was able to have a handle on not being rude. So now, I need to stay away from him, because for some reason I still care for him, I could never hate him. I do feel very sorry for him and by my nature I am a nurturer and have to always be fixing the hurt. I just wish I could find someone to help me fix my hurt.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Why I broke up with my last boyfriend.
I broke up with my boyfriend easter sunday. 3 weeks earlier he complained that I was running the whole relationship and he wanted to do more so I said please that would be very nice for your to do more. The next Friday the rude side of him took me out to dinner. On the way there I asked him if he'd like to come over for Sunday dinner. He said would you be offended if I said no. I said no. But then asked why. I had to beg it out of him. He finally said because I make your girls sick. I said what in the world gave you that idea. He said because they leave right after dinner. Then he said really sassily. So are these Sunday dinners going to be an every week thing now. I was confused by his reaction, so I didn't say anything. I later told him his comments made me sad. He just acted like I was over reacting. I asked him if I was smothering him and he said no comment. Then the same date we were talking about marriage in a round about way. He was very rude the whole night. But he did end up coming to dinner. The next day we went to Saturday general conference and had a wonderful time. Then went back to his apartment and watched the afternoon session. I had to beg him to come over for dinner for Sunday conference. He got really sick afterwards. The next Friday he went to his daughters ball game and didn't invite me. So I asked him if I was being friend zoned. He didn't know what that meant so I told him and he said he'd have to think about it before he answered me. So I called him up and asked him if we were just friends now and he said I don't want to make you cry. So I said we need to talk about this. I went over there after choir practice and I told him marriage was being shelved and the ball was now in his court. I was done planning all the dates and if he wanted to still date me it was totally up to him now. He was non responsive and had no reaction. Then asked if I wanted to go see a movie and out to dinner. so I thought great he's taking the initiative. Again we had a great time. Then after the sunday fireside he invited me over to his apartment. I thought things were looking up. Then the next Friday he invited me to the dance, but he found out that he had work at 7 am next day, so we'd only be there for an hour. So I said never mind, we can just hang out and watch a movie. Then the next day he went to a family easter picnic and did not invite me. Whatever. I was sad, but that's what he always does. So Saturday evening no date. He calls me up Saturday night and asks if he can go to church with me. I said sure. Then I said he could hang out till 5 because I had been invited to Jenny's grandparents house for dinner. He said never mind I'll just go to my own ward. I said fine. Sunday he gives me the silent treatment. Then he posts on my
facebook page after I had posted Happy Easter, he posted "not". I had just said good night before he posted it. So I texted him and asked what was wrong. He said I thought you went to bed now youre asking me whats wrong? I told him I keep my phone by my bed and saw his not post. He said I didn't mean to wake you. I said I wasn't asleep tell me what youre feeling. He said I don't want you to stew over it. I said I'm not stewing please talk to me. He said I'm glad youre not stewing. I said Now tell me what your feeling please. He said I'm not feeling anything at the moment. I said why did you post that. He said I should have wished you a happy easter. I asked again why was it not a happy easter for you??? he said why the 3 question marks? I said because you wont tell me why. truth be told I had a miserable easter day for so many reasons. He said why in the world did you have a miserable easter? I said because I made you sad, i'm worried about Jenny and the baby and other reasons. He said I'm far from sad truthfully speaking. I said I'm sorry I messed up your easter plans. I don't want you to be sad. He said I'm not sad. I said are you angry at me? You're angry with me because I didn't make plans for you to spend today with me? He said no use crying about it now it's almost tomorrow. I said, I said I was sorry. I messed up. If you are that angry with me and can't forgive me... he said I'm not angry and I don't see how you messed up. You got invited to dinner you accepted and you went that's great. I said I messed up with you. I made you feel left out and I'm sorry. He said no worries. then I said It hurts to be left behind by a loved one, believe me I know. It hurts when they say I love you then leave you. He said I'm well aware of that. I said the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. He then said are we now going to talk about Mr. Robbins leaving you? Good night. (that hurt so bad I cried harder than he's ever made me cry) I then said damn you. He said What? I said that hurt. I'm done. good bye Ken. This is the way he's communicated with me all through our relationship. Never giving me a straight answere or answering with a double meaning so whatever my reaction he can have an out. Dave talked that way also. I don't understand why he got so upset with me when he was doing the same thing to me over and over by not inviting me to his family functions. And I told him I was done doing the work and now he wants me to make him an Easter dinner and spend the whole day with him after he told me I was smothering him???? (the bipolar mind hard at work for ya). The only thing my boyfriend could've said that would have stabbed me to the core was being sassy and disrespectful of my feelings for Dave and what he did. The only thing I could not forgive. My boyfriend has made me cry so many times with his thoughtlessness and he's seen me cry and had no sympathy and made light of my feelings saying there you go again stewing.
facebook page after I had posted Happy Easter, he posted "not". I had just said good night before he posted it. So I texted him and asked what was wrong. He said I thought you went to bed now youre asking me whats wrong? I told him I keep my phone by my bed and saw his not post. He said I didn't mean to wake you. I said I wasn't asleep tell me what youre feeling. He said I don't want you to stew over it. I said I'm not stewing please talk to me. He said I'm glad youre not stewing. I said Now tell me what your feeling please. He said I'm not feeling anything at the moment. I said why did you post that. He said I should have wished you a happy easter. I asked again why was it not a happy easter for you??? he said why the 3 question marks? I said because you wont tell me why. truth be told I had a miserable easter day for so many reasons. He said why in the world did you have a miserable easter? I said because I made you sad, i'm worried about Jenny and the baby and other reasons. He said I'm far from sad truthfully speaking. I said I'm sorry I messed up your easter plans. I don't want you to be sad. He said I'm not sad. I said are you angry at me? You're angry with me because I didn't make plans for you to spend today with me? He said no use crying about it now it's almost tomorrow. I said, I said I was sorry. I messed up. If you are that angry with me and can't forgive me... he said I'm not angry and I don't see how you messed up. You got invited to dinner you accepted and you went that's great. I said I messed up with you. I made you feel left out and I'm sorry. He said no worries. then I said It hurts to be left behind by a loved one, believe me I know. It hurts when they say I love you then leave you. He said I'm well aware of that. I said the last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. He then said are we now going to talk about Mr. Robbins leaving you? Good night. (that hurt so bad I cried harder than he's ever made me cry) I then said damn you. He said What? I said that hurt. I'm done. good bye Ken. This is the way he's communicated with me all through our relationship. Never giving me a straight answere or answering with a double meaning so whatever my reaction he can have an out. Dave talked that way also. I don't understand why he got so upset with me when he was doing the same thing to me over and over by not inviting me to his family functions. And I told him I was done doing the work and now he wants me to make him an Easter dinner and spend the whole day with him after he told me I was smothering him???? (the bipolar mind hard at work for ya). The only thing my boyfriend could've said that would have stabbed me to the core was being sassy and disrespectful of my feelings for Dave and what he did. The only thing I could not forgive. My boyfriend has made me cry so many times with his thoughtlessness and he's seen me cry and had no sympathy and made light of my feelings saying there you go again stewing.
There is also another red flag that I kept excusing away. It's regarding this 25 year old girl he befriended and became her mentor. He told me she was just a friend he met while volunteering at the food coalition center. They met right after his divorce. She has schizophrenia and had been sexually abused at a young age. In and out of the psychotic ward. So he felt it was his job to befriend her and mentor her. So they spent lots of time together. Long car rides up the canyons, out to eat, sports events, kiss and hugs and hand holding. went to the gym together every day. He was still "mentoring" her while in the middle of dating me. He would come to her rescue when she would be somewhere and have a psychotic episode to take her home. It was valentines day, I saw a card from her on his desk. I asked who it was from and he shrugged his shoulders and said oh that's just from his friend. So I picked it up and started to read it. It was covered with romantic sentiment's to him and there was a big whited out area. I asked why it was whited out and he said because she's crazy and it was inappropriate. I then saw a part she had written about how she loves snuggling him and how he kisses her cheeks and neck. So I said what in the world, he then grabbed it from me and put it in his desk. I told him this is not good, this is very inappropriate. I said she could cause you so much trouble and get the police involved and he said she's already tried. I told him to stop seeing her and he said he would. He was like no big deal. Even then I forgave because he was after all bipolar. No accountability on his part, because he has a totally believable excuse. I told him she loves you romantically and he said "what makes you think that"? DUH. I wasn't even getting as much action as they were having (thank goodness). I asked him if he ever had romantic feelings for her and he said never.
Yes I was getting the big time (not good) vibes from him when these things would come up and I'd brush them aside because I didn't trust my feelings anymore and maybe I just wanted so bad to be loved I overlooked these obvious signals. so I haven't heard from him since I said goodbye. I doubt I'll hear an apology from him because his bipolar mind has no accountability, he's always the victim. I do feel very sorry for him, because he'll never find a good woman to marry. Maybe he'll find a rauntchy woman, a gold digger, or a schizophrenic woman to dupe into marrying him, but he'll never have a normal loving marriage.
I was the perfect catch for him. I have a home and a job. He lives in an apartment and on disability. I am super kind and patient. I'm not that bad looking. I'm not overweight. I'm healthy. I spoiled him with gifts and affection. What did I get in return? Nothing but attitude and him complaining that I wouldn't let him do anything for me. What the hec does that mean? I didn't refuse anything from him. The only thing I did to not let him do for me was that I'd always offer to drive to his apartment on dates so he didn't have to backtrack 1/2 hour. He never offered to do anything for me. If he had I'd have let him. He should have treated me better. I deserve to be treated at least with a little respect.
He would blurt out while I was telling him something with a "I don't care". What? He never said just kidding or a sorry. I don't know if he thought that was funny. I sure didn't find it funny. Who says that? How rude. At restaurants he wouldn't just blow his nose loudly but dig and pick his nose with his napkin and look at it. GROSE! He would burp out loud all the time. He would point at people. He would mimic people. I had to remind him to open the doors for me and help me down stairs. No basic manners. He did warn me that he was annoying at first and was able to be on his best behavior but as we got more and more comfortable with each other he got ruder and ruder. But he was able to control himself at first which means there's no excuses for his bad behavior.
Monday, March 3, 2014
I had a dream 2 nights ago that Dave came back and wanted to be with me again like we were divorced and he hadn't died. So I decided that we should date again to see if that's what I really wanted. So we went out and Dave's personality was exactly like it was the last year of his life. He was quiet, sad, blank expression on his face, tho I tried to be happy and talk with him, he basically ignored me.
In my dream I didn't want to let Dave back in my life. I woke up feeling very sad. Why would my mind dream that? The fact is, the year or so before Dave died was very hard and our marriage was crumbling. I have to ask myself the question... if I could have Dave back but only as he was right before he died, would I want that same relationship? and I have to honestly say "no". However if I could have him back with his personality he had the first 15 years of our marriage? Then yes I'd want him back. So my mind is trying to sort my emotions. It's very confusing. I can feel my thoughts and emotions moving away from David and letting him go. my yearnings for Dave are fading. Very strange experience for sure.
In my dream I didn't want to let Dave back in my life. I woke up feeling very sad. Why would my mind dream that? The fact is, the year or so before Dave died was very hard and our marriage was crumbling. I have to ask myself the question... if I could have Dave back but only as he was right before he died, would I want that same relationship? and I have to honestly say "no". However if I could have him back with his personality he had the first 15 years of our marriage? Then yes I'd want him back. So my mind is trying to sort my emotions. It's very confusing. I can feel my thoughts and emotions moving away from David and letting him go. my yearnings for Dave are fading. Very strange experience for sure.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
In August of 2013, I decided to find things I have always loved to do in life and do them again. I have always loved singing so I joined the single adult choir and I have always loved dancing, so I started going to the single adult dances twice a month and I have been having so much fun. I decided not to go to these activities with the thought "I need to find a man" and to just have fun and not care what everyone thinks. I discovered the more fun I had at the dances the more men would ask me to dance.
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