What am I doing?

I don't know what's going on. I went on a date this past Friday with a man in our ward who is also a widower. His wife died of cancer. He's is a lot older than me. So I'm not really sure it was even a date. A couple of weeks ago at church I noticed him staring at me in Sunday school. But these days a lot of people stare at me at church. Then before sacrament he came and sat by me and talked. Then he called me twice to check up on me. So I just brushed it aside as him feeling a sense of care for me because he knew how I felt. But then he asked me if I'd like to go to dinner with him. I said yes. We had a good time. We talked openly about Dave and his wife and how they died and how hard it is coping without them. I felt at ease around him and he was a perfect gentleman. Yes we got weird looks. I told him I hadn't been to the temple since Dave passed away. He told me that I should go because it's been a great source of comfort to him to go. He then asked me if I'd like to go with him sometime. I said yes. Now I understand I am very vulnerable to the rebound thing that happens to everyone after they come out of a relationship. His wife has been gone for a year and a half. So he's on the rebound as well. But I still don't know for sure what his intentions even are. He is a very kind and good man as good as they come. His job pays very well and he's quite wealthy. So what am I doing? Am I thinking selfishness and money, someone to take care of me financially, medically, socially? Is he being a dirty old man chasing after a young woman? My daughters say I'm reading too much into it all and to just have fun for now. I don't know what I'm doing. I just wish Dave would tell me what to do. I was never a good decision maker. I'm afraid to make decisions, because my last big decision resulted in Dave taking his life. Yes I still blame myself, even though logic says otherwise. If I hadn't made that decision 9 years ago Dave would still be here even if for a little while longer, which I'd gladly take. I'd sacrifice anything to have had Dave here a little longer.

Heavenly hug

Last night at about 3:00am I felt the most amazing feeling ever.
I started out yesterday having a pretty good day. But then I ran into another copy of the letter David wrote to our marriage counselor back in the summer 2011. We were dangerously close to separating. At the time Dave wrote this letter, he was not on his medication or any other medication. He was in manic/depressive mode and I did not know he wasn't taking his meds, or I did and wanted him back on them, but he refused. Anyway, in this letter he said hurtful things about my nagging and that he had sacrificed his well being and happiness so I could live in a nice home and that I had forced him into buying our home. He also said that I was overly concerned with my appearance and was acting very conceited in our nice home. I've run across this letter 3 times now since Dave died, all in different places around the home. Every time I read it, I end up sobbing. I told the girls that it hurts so bad every time I read the stupid thing because he actually felt no love for me at the time. That when he was in his full swing of manic/depression, he did not love me. Which hurts so bad, because you can't deny those feelings, they were there even though it was the disease talking. Dayna told me that it was the disease talking, not dad. Jess said "burn it mom" and stop reading it when you run across it. But then I wonder, if while he was taking his life, both times, if at that moment he hated me. Were his last thoughts, hatred of me even though he was in the pits of despair. Did he hate me while he was killing himself? That thought haunts me so bad. So I was feeling very sorry for myself last night and cried a lot. But while I was in that half dream state, I felt Dave wrap his arms around me and enveloped my whole body in this most amazing warmth and love. I turned my lips to his ear and whispered I love you David and he replied back I love you. I told him I missed him terrably and that I beat myself up with guilt. He started to fade away, but I said, no wait it's ok stay with me. I asked him how long I have to wait to be together with him. He said 4 years, then quickly said oops I don't think I was suppose to tell you that. He told me that the girls both need to be on medication. That Jess needs something for ADHD or ADD and he said to look for a drug called something like... Alexan... I asked him if he ate and he said yes but the toast in Heaven isn't all that great. That may have been my silly mind filling in the blanks, I don't know. But I laughed and said really, how can anything be less than perfect in Heaven, he said that he didn't much care for the toast. I said next time try cinnamin toast with lots of butter and sugar. I also asked him about the computers in Heaven. He said he didn't know about the computers in heaven. I asked well surely there's computers in the genealogy libraries. He said he hadn't had time to check to see the computers yet. That's when I asked what he had been up to there and I couldn't hear him.
It was so nice just basking in his arms. But then he started to fade away as I was waking up. I tried not to wake up, I said no don't go. But I woke up. so I got out of bed and got out my note book and wrote it all down so I wouldn't forget what he said. He was very much the same David I remembered before the depression. Cute mannerisms he use to have. Cute sense of humor he use to have. Not a perfect, stoic being I thought we all become when we die. So I'm feeling very euphoric today. I needed that feeling so bad. Of course there's the logical part that say's I emagined the whole thing and was only dreaming. But I've never felt that feeling before like a warm electrical energy buzzing through my whole body. So, I "choose:" to believe it was really David and that he still loves me very much. Because if it was just my wishful thinking and not David, I couldn't bare that thought. I just wish I could still get an actual physical proof that David was there and sending me a message. Like see or hear our secret code word which is "te quiero" or find his lost wedding ring. I do have to admit that for Christmas my son Greg gave me a bracelet which was exactly like that one I asked David I wanted for Christmas. I asked Greg why he got it for me, he said he didn't know, he was walking down the isle at the store and saw it and knew he had to buy it for me. Then after Christmas I got a sudden urge to go through Davids night stand. I pulled out a box and there at the bottom was season 9 of Little House on the Prairie that he had baughten several months ago to give me as a present for the next occasion. So those two things count as reminders that he still cared for me. But again my logical mind needs more proof. Poor Dave, probably just rolls his eyes at me and wonders what more he could possibly do to prove to me that he loves me. Well, I stated it earlier, the words te quiero and to find his lost wedding ring. I have no idea where that ring went. It's been missing for over a year now.

more troubles

Why aren't things working out for me? Day after day more bad news and issues to resolve. First was Dave's health insurance not paying the hospital bill from Dave's first suicide attempt. Then the car insurance company taking their time to deny the claim with the carbon monixide poisioning. So all the hospital bills are all charging huge late fees. I've called and called each company to try to move things along, but I would be pushed aside. Then there's the stupid fraud charge from success institute of $6200 on Dave's discover card that Dave left me to fix. I had a signed agreement from Dave that he would fix that mess he created. But he didn't even try. I've tried fixing it with Success institute and the credit card company, but they wont budge. Why do I have to pay for Dave's mistakes?? Then this past Friday I received a notice that our car insurance was canceled because I was a "new risk" and that Dave was the insured and I was only a driver. No condolences or even an offer to work with me to get it renewed. We had been with that company for over 26 years. I was the one who made sure the premiums were paid on time. However the blow was softened because I was trying to get Dayna on the plan. Our agent when she was processing Dayna got a message from our Car Insurance that we were being canceled. She called me up and told me and thought it was rude of Bear river to do. She said she would find us a cheaper policy and a better one. So I did know about it before the cold letter arrived. 2 days before the cancelation notice Bear river sent me a bill for the last payment I still owed for the year knowing that I was being canceled they sent me a bill anyway? Stupid. I called up Bear river and told them how rude they were and that I was going to another company.

All three of my cars need new tires. Jess' car needs to be inspected, I don't think her car will pass and I don't want to pay to get it inspected. Did I mention our life insurance won't pay the $200000 because Dave's suicide? I did get a job tending a partially paralyzed woman in our ward for $1600 a month. Dave use to make that much a week working at RRDonnally. I don't know how long we can limp along.
A couple of weeks ago I received a notice from Utah state tax commission stating that I owed $150,000 or they would take all our possessions. I freaked out big time. Luckily a few friends said the same thing happened to them with their small businesses and all I had to do was call them and explain what happened. I did and they just had me send in a simple form.

Now I have to notify our home insurance to have the policy changed into my name.
Then I have to send that into our mortgage company so they can change our loan into my name.
I sure hope they don't give me the stupid grief of me being a "new risk". But they probably will.

Dave never did like this home and felt forced into moving here. How much do we really change when we die? Aren't our personalities still intact when we die? All our likes and dislikes? All our hopes and dreams go with us? All our feelings of love and hate? With all these stupid things that I just can't get resolved, I can't help but think Dave stopped loving me and could care less what happens to me and that it's all pay back for the misery I caused him all those years of being married. I just wish I could know for sure he still cares for me and is watching out for me. I know he's watching out for his parents and his brothers, because they've told me they've all either seen him or felt him. I haven't seen him. I've felt him at night here and there checking on me quickly. Or maybe it's all part of the plan to get me to stop loving Dave so I can move on and find someone else. That's so what David would do to me. Pick on me and do stupid things to push me away, so he'd have the excuse that it was me that didn't love him, just another "save face" ploy of Dave's. Not working Dave. Try something else. I still love you. You stinker! When I die. I'm going to give Dave a big hug then kick his but, then hug him again.
I don't know why, I have to go through all this. What did I do that was so bad as to deserve this punishment? I've always been a good girl, obedient, patient, kind. Who am I, that I am being tried so hard? I am nobody. I'm shy, don't have many friends. What happens to me won't make any difference in anyone's life. I am of no consequence. So why this trial??? It makes no sense, any of it. The only thing that I know now is empathy for those who've lost a loved one. But we all will learn that lesson sooner or later in this life. We'll all loose a loved one to death and feel that horrible sting. But why all the financial mess I have to go through? I've always been very frugal and saved our money, staying out of debt. It was Dave who would spend and get into debt, not me. So why do I have to pay for his stupidity? Not fair!