Heavenly hug

Last night at about 3:00am I felt the most amazing feeling ever.
I started out yesterday having a pretty good day. But then I ran into another copy of the letter David wrote to our marriage counselor back in the summer 2011. We were dangerously close to separating. At the time Dave wrote this letter, he was not on his medication or any other medication. He was in manic/depressive mode and I did not know he wasn't taking his meds, or I did and wanted him back on them, but he refused. Anyway, in this letter he said hurtful things about my nagging and that he had sacrificed his well being and happiness so I could live in a nice home and that I had forced him into buying our home. He also said that I was overly concerned with my appearance and was acting very conceited in our nice home. I've run across this letter 3 times now since Dave died, all in different places around the home. Every time I read it, I end up sobbing. I told the girls that it hurts so bad every time I read the stupid thing because he actually felt no love for me at the time. That when he was in his full swing of manic/depression, he did not love me. Which hurts so bad, because you can't deny those feelings, they were there even though it was the disease talking. Dayna told me that it was the disease talking, not dad. Jess said "burn it mom" and stop reading it when you run across it. But then I wonder, if while he was taking his life, both times, if at that moment he hated me. Were his last thoughts, hatred of me even though he was in the pits of despair. Did he hate me while he was killing himself? That thought haunts me so bad. So I was feeling very sorry for myself last night and cried a lot. But while I was in that half dream state, I felt Dave wrap his arms around me and enveloped my whole body in this most amazing warmth and love. I turned my lips to his ear and whispered I love you David and he replied back I love you. I told him I missed him terrably and that I beat myself up with guilt. He started to fade away, but I said, no wait it's ok stay with me. I asked him how long I have to wait to be together with him. He said 4 years, then quickly said oops I don't think I was suppose to tell you that. He told me that the girls both need to be on medication. That Jess needs something for ADHD or ADD and he said to look for a drug called something like... Alexan... I asked him if he ate and he said yes but the toast in Heaven isn't all that great. That may have been my silly mind filling in the blanks, I don't know. But I laughed and said really, how can anything be less than perfect in Heaven, he said that he didn't much care for the toast. I said next time try cinnamin toast with lots of butter and sugar. I also asked him about the computers in Heaven. He said he didn't know about the computers in heaven. I asked well surely there's computers in the genealogy libraries. He said he hadn't had time to check to see the computers yet. That's when I asked what he had been up to there and I couldn't hear him.
It was so nice just basking in his arms. But then he started to fade away as I was waking up. I tried not to wake up, I said no don't go. But I woke up. so I got out of bed and got out my note book and wrote it all down so I wouldn't forget what he said. He was very much the same David I remembered before the depression. Cute mannerisms he use to have. Cute sense of humor he use to have. Not a perfect, stoic being I thought we all become when we die. So I'm feeling very euphoric today. I needed that feeling so bad. Of course there's the logical part that say's I emagined the whole thing and was only dreaming. But I've never felt that feeling before like a warm electrical energy buzzing through my whole body. So, I "choose:" to believe it was really David and that he still loves me very much. Because if it was just my wishful thinking and not David, I couldn't bare that thought. I just wish I could still get an actual physical proof that David was there and sending me a message. Like see or hear our secret code word which is "te quiero" or find his lost wedding ring. I do have to admit that for Christmas my son Greg gave me a bracelet which was exactly like that one I asked David I wanted for Christmas. I asked Greg why he got it for me, he said he didn't know, he was walking down the isle at the store and saw it and knew he had to buy it for me. Then after Christmas I got a sudden urge to go through Davids night stand. I pulled out a box and there at the bottom was season 9 of Little House on the Prairie that he had baughten several months ago to give me as a present for the next occasion. So those two things count as reminders that he still cared for me. But again my logical mind needs more proof. Poor Dave, probably just rolls his eyes at me and wonders what more he could possibly do to prove to me that he loves me. Well, I stated it earlier, the words te quiero and to find his lost wedding ring. I have no idea where that ring went. It's been missing for over a year now.