I just wanted to jot down some of my feelings about how important being here on earth was. I thought I had already posted these thoughts, but I couldn't find them. Through this experience of Dave's suicide, it has been made clearer to me through my dreams and interactions with Dave's spirit, about how precious this life is. Growing up in the church I have always believed that we were sent here to gain bodies and to be tested. But the reality of that knowledge has become clearer to me so that my brain can comprehend it better. In the spirit world before we came here, we all know that we could not progress anymore. But why? Everyone knows it was because we needed physical bodies that could feel pain and be tempted, but why can't we just be told? There is no compulsion in the spirit world, we are not forced to learn or grow. There is no adversity in the spirit world. We can not be tempted in the spirit world. The devil had no power to do that in the spirit world. Evil can not exist in the spirit world. What happens here on earth without adversity? What happens to us here on earth if there is no compulsion of any kind? Have you ever thought of that? The truth is we would become complacent. Happy with our limited little world. Happy to become stagnant, because we wouldn't know what else was out there. Even if we did know that there was more but it would require hard work and chances. Who wants to get out of their warm secure existence and go out into the cold harsh world in order to get there? Not me. and this is why we need adversity to kick us out of our warm and comfortable beds. We need to be here on Earth right now. Even if we think we aren't doing anything worth while here, we are still progressing better than we could in the spirit world. Even if we were vegetables in bed, we would still be progressing better and faster than in the spirit world.
This world is the most evil of all the worlds. I think something very different happened in the beginning here on this world that never happened before. A different decision was made, that caused this world to be unique. Had 1/3 of the hosts of Heaven ever been kicked out before for rebellion? If so were they banished to the same world everyone would be living on before? I don't believe so. I believe this Earth was the first and only time such a rebellion took place. This Earth was the first and only world that had a savior. That makes this Earth very unique. Did we choose to come to this unique world or were we assigned to this Earth? Did we have the choice to be born into a milder world? Were we really the stronger spirits that could possibly handle this harsh world? or were we the more lazy group that needed a kick in the butt in order to progress? or both? Were our trials we would have in this world given to us based on our long time spiritual weaknesses that we just couldn't get resolved in the spirit world? My trials here all seem to have the same theme. My trials seem to center around my over sense of everything having to be fair and my need to always know the why and what-fors. So my trials are not fair and I don't get to know the why's. I need to stop being so angry when things are unfair. This latest trial was the most unfair thing I can think of. To my husband, me and our kids. Depression, anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenia etc. is the most unfair illness because it takes away that person's ability to choose. One of the gifts and reasons we are here in the first place. Free agency. This illness is like that gift being yanked away and saying "no free agency for you". Why do these illnesses make people do hurtful things? However my David never harmed me or our kids. He never yelled at us. But he was afraid that the illness would eventually make him do something hurtful because of what he saw his older brother go through. I'm dealing with the unfairness of it all. I'm working on having faith in Heavenly Father and believing that all this was for a good reason and that it will all work out in the end. I hate not knowing the why's and what for's now. Yep, still working on that faith. Well at least I know that's my spiritual "issue" and knowing is half the battle.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Feb 14, 2013
Today is Valentines day. Actually it was a good day. I woke up in the morning and asked Dave if there was anyway he could send me a message while I was wide awake that he still loved me, if he still did. I told him I still loved and missed him very much. The day went on as usual at work. When I got home it was lonely because both my girls were still at school. I started to feel sad. I took a valentine balloon over to Dave's grave. It was berried under a foot of snow. I cleared it away and told him again how much I loved him and missed him. I then went to pick up the girls at the bus stop. They had boughten me a balloon and some chocolate. Such good daughters. I gave them their little gifts. They had a RS meeting to go to that evening and I went to my Suicide survivor group meeting. I hadn't been for a while because of the bad weather. I like to go and pittty party with everyone. The lady who can see and hear dead people was there again. She is very reserved about her abilities and doesn't like to make a big deal of it and doesn't use her gift for any personal gain other than to help others. So they announced that if anyone wanted to talk to her after the meeting they could. So of course I went up to her. She said that Dave kept saying over and over to make sure I knew that he loved me very much and kept telling her this. She also said that he wants me to find a fun hobby, which was the same thing he said last time. I told her and she said she forgot what he said last time. She also told me that Dave comes and visits me in my dreams and lately my subconscious has been playing tricks on me about Dave and not to worry about it or listen to it. Which is very true, in my dreams when Dave happens to be in them, my mind lately has been twisting the dream to make Dave mean and cruel to me, I wake up and say out loud I know that was just my twisted mind Dave I'm sorry I dreamed that about you. Also whenever something bad happens to me, in the back of my mind I hear over and over "welcome to my world, now you know how I felt" and then I feel like I deserved that bad thing so I would know how my poor hubby felt. But I know Dave would never say that to me. So I will try not to listen to those doubts and negative thoughts that creep up anymore.
Today is Valentines day. Actually it was a good day. I woke up in the morning and asked Dave if there was anyway he could send me a message while I was wide awake that he still loved me, if he still did. I told him I still loved and missed him very much. The day went on as usual at work. When I got home it was lonely because both my girls were still at school. I started to feel sad. I took a valentine balloon over to Dave's grave. It was berried under a foot of snow. I cleared it away and told him again how much I loved him and missed him. I then went to pick up the girls at the bus stop. They had boughten me a balloon and some chocolate. Such good daughters. I gave them their little gifts. They had a RS meeting to go to that evening and I went to my Suicide survivor group meeting. I hadn't been for a while because of the bad weather. I like to go and pittty party with everyone. The lady who can see and hear dead people was there again. She is very reserved about her abilities and doesn't like to make a big deal of it and doesn't use her gift for any personal gain other than to help others. So they announced that if anyone wanted to talk to her after the meeting they could. So of course I went up to her. She said that Dave kept saying over and over to make sure I knew that he loved me very much and kept telling her this. She also said that he wants me to find a fun hobby, which was the same thing he said last time. I told her and she said she forgot what he said last time. She also told me that Dave comes and visits me in my dreams and lately my subconscious has been playing tricks on me about Dave and not to worry about it or listen to it. Which is very true, in my dreams when Dave happens to be in them, my mind lately has been twisting the dream to make Dave mean and cruel to me, I wake up and say out loud I know that was just my twisted mind Dave I'm sorry I dreamed that about you. Also whenever something bad happens to me, in the back of my mind I hear over and over "welcome to my world, now you know how I felt" and then I feel like I deserved that bad thing so I would know how my poor hubby felt. But I know Dave would never say that to me. So I will try not to listen to those doubts and negative thoughts that creep up anymore.
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